Lifestyle

YOU used to have enough energy to get out of bed without giving a weird grunt. Here are some other involuntary noises you make when you reach middle age.

FANCY being a professional Northerner to get attention and respect? There’s a strict Northern code of conduct you must adhere to. See if you can pass our test.

I WAS fed up of the rat race, the dreary commute, living in the armpits of sweaty businessmen on the 7.15 train, the tired cliche of unfriendly strangers rushing by without time to say ‘Hello’.

INFLATION got you worried? Bills rocketing? Can’t pay rent? Not me, because I’m a tight bastard. Let me show you how to cut costs to zero.

AN astrologer of 30 years’ standing has begun to wonder if the horoscopes she provides are actually accurate in any way.

A WOMAN who ran herself a luxurious bubble bath to relax in got out after eight minutes because she was utterly bored.

GOT a camera on your doorbell that you claim is for security reasons? Here’s what you really use it for.

A WOMAN has bought a funky, brightly coloured coat that she is too embarrassed to step outside in.

THE British suburbs may seem a sexless desert of women in gardening kneepads and men washing cars, but they are actually red-hot pits of depravity. These are the signs.

SOME moments are so embarrassing that the memory of them pops up on shuffle every few days. Here are some low points in your life you'll be made to relive.