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The six things you'll leave the supermarket with that weren't what you went for

MILK. Four pints of green-capped, semi-skimmed, bog-standard milk, so no need for a shopping list. Except here’s what you left with instead:

Cake

You didn’t absolutely need cake, but you didn’t know that Jaffa Cake Donuts existed until 15 seconds ago. On a discount. And you’ve got Wagon Wheels and Jammie Dodgers to complete the set, perfect to go with that milk.

Soup

You’ve fancied soup recently, with the nights drawing in. Is there a chance you’ve already had this same thought seven times in three weeks and you have six tins at home? Maybe.

Batteries

Now these you definitely needed, for the TV remote. Lucky you stumbled across them while looking for that other thing. You’re not confident of whether you need double or triple As, but it’ll be fine. 50/50 chance.

Something from the Whoops!

Spinach? Hot cross buns? A mini trampoline from the weird middle aisle? Whatever it was, you were indefensible to the magnetic power of the little yellow sticker. If it’s reduced to 53p, it’s a necessity.

Babybels

You haven’t had a Babybel in years. They still have that wax on that everyone used to throw at each other at school. Go on, since you’re in the dairy aisle, pick some up. And they’re healthy so it counterbalances the cakes. Now what was it..?

Cereal

Breakfast, you needed to sort breakfast for tomorrow. So you’ve got a box of Crunchy Nut. And that’s definitely all that you needed, because that will be a simple, easy, single-ingredient breakfast.

Why I'm better: a first-born child explains

SOME people – usually second or, laughably, third or fourth children – challenge the supremacy of the first-born. Let’s lay this to rest:

Chasing the dragon

Your first experience of key life events – first kiss, first wedgie, first wank – is always the most powerful. It’s the feeling you chase forever and never recapture. That’s what it was like when Mum and Dad had me, the best one. All other kids were just a futile attempt to chase the high.

Photographic evidence

It’s all there in the photographs. Canvas print after framed photo after loving album of my adorable face. The second kid is only ever pictured with me. The third kid never gets pictures printed at all. There’s no photographic proof of the fourth kid’s existence until he’s seven.

New stuff

Who got bought new clothes for and who spent their childhood in my hand-me-downs? Even if everyone assumed you were a boy in my Spider-Man trousers and you fell in a ditch when the wheel flew off my old bike. Because I, the firstborn, am worthy of both expense and concern.

Pushing the boundaries

Everything you did as a teenager? Having your girlfriend over for an uninterrupted night of dry humping? Drinking so much at a christening you puked in the door pocket of Dad’s new Astra? I broke those rules first. I fought for your right to do those things and normalised them. I’m a legend. Not once have you thanked me.

The royal example

The expression is ‘heir and a spare’ not the other way around. I’m the heir because I’m first. The Royals know how it works. And yes, when the parents snuff it I’ll be getting the lot. You can look after them in their old age, though. They’ll tell you all day how I’m the best.

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