Lifestyle

The Englishman abroad's guide to foreigners' bloody ridiculous customs

HOLIDAYING abroad is a bewildering experience for patriotic Brits. Here dyed-in-the-wool xenophobe Roy Hobbs explains the bollocks you'll have to put up with from the weird locals.

Five photos every dickhead takes on holiday

HOLIDAYS are a time of rest, relaxation, and taking the same tedious photos as everyone else. Such as these.

How to live with the shame of a holiday in the UK, by a middle-class family

INFLATION and the cost of living crisis means yet another staycation. Well-heeled couple the Muirs explain how to survive without a fortnight in Tuscany.

Only awful people get to buy houses abroad, confirm experts

ONLY the most annoying people you know are in the position to buy a second home abroad, it has been confirmed.

Sex outdoors: how to finish when you wish you hadn't started

THE summer’s here, clothes are skimpy, nobody’s around, you’ve initiated sex and wish you hadn’t. Here’s how to finish.

Having a one-night stand to save the cab fare, and other awful ways to end a night out

GETTING pissed and vomiting in the gutter not a bad enough way to end a night out? Try these grim situations instead.

Brand name baked beans: Five purchases that will now bankrupt you

POPPING to the shops for a few bits? Be careful. Adding these items to your basket could now ruin you financially.

Six purchases to make you look and feel like lottery-winning scum

DOING alright? Bought an enormous television? Keep feeling like everyone is judging you for it? They are. And for these things:

Accidentally buying premium petrol, and other stuff you would have laughed off a year ago

WITH the cost of living crisis really starting to bite, losing even a couple of quid is painful. Here are some financial errors you can no longer laugh off.

Ginger people carefully placed in darkened rooms

THE nation’s redheads have been carefully moved into darkened rooms to protect them from the sun, it has been confirmed.