Admiring your own lawn, and other middle aged warning signs

LIFE is funny. One minute, you’re young and carefree, the next you’re old. So how can you see middle age coming and avoid getting caught off-guard? Look for these warning signs.

Admiring your own lawn

If you’ve ever mowed the lawn then stood there gawping at your own handiwork with a big shit-eating grin on your face, you’ve probably hit middle age. No young person has ever admired a lawn. They don’t have the mental capacity to think about things like grass. They’re too busy f**king each other and making TikToks.

Constantly checking on your parked car

Your car might be safely parked on the drive, but what if some local kids decide to pelt it with rocks for entertainment? This won’t happen, because you’re not living in the Toxteth riots. But would it be so bad if you wandered over to the window and had a little look, just to be on the safe side? Sadly, constant fear that something terrible is happening to your car is a reliable indicator that your days as a young person are over.

Leaving voicemail

To the young, voicemail is a terrifying, ancient thing, like Cthulhu. Only those with youth firmly in the rear-view mirror leave a voicemail instead of hanging up and sending a text. And, if you are the type of person who leaves a voice message, consider it a double red flag if you say your name and give the date and time at the start.

Choosing food in the freezer over a takeaway

If you’ve ever gone to order a takeaway pizza only to change your mind when you remember you’ve got a ‘perfectly good’ Dr Oetker Ristorante in the freezer, you may be past the point of no return. Only people with a good few decades behind them derive more pleasure from saving a tenner than they do treating themselves to something delicious but terrible for them.

Saying ‘the Facebook’

Frankly, if you say ‘the Facebook’, you should count yourself lucky to be called middle aged. Even David Attenborough probably knows how to say Facebook properly, and he’s the same age as the sun. The same applies to ‘the Tik Tok’, ‘the Snapchat’, ‘the Instagram’, etc.

You’ve been alive for nearly 40 years

Yes, unfortunately it’s true. Virtually everyone who reaches the age of 40 becomes middle aged. Therefore if you’re getting close to 40, it’s extremely likely that you will soon be middle-aged yourself. That’s just science.

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Seven relationship f**k-ups for ugly people

ARE you single, ugly and looking for love? Avoid these glaring f**k-ups only hot people can get away with.

Playing hard to get

Beggars can’t be choosers, and you’re the ugliest beggar in town, so cling like a limpet to the first person to show any interest. Pester them continually for fear they’ll take their affections elsewhere, although it’s best to stop short of a restraining order. Prison is horrible and the only sex is the not-very-romantic Shawshank Redemption type.

Cheating

Beautiful people are practically expected to play away once in a while – there’s all that temptation and they’re fit enough to be worth forgiving. With you it’s freakish enough that you’ve bagged a partner at all. Luckily your looks mean the opportunity is extremely unlikely to arise, so it’s not something you need to worry too much about.

Being poor

Rich people don’t need to be attractive to get laid by stunners – look at Mick Jagger. Or don’t. With your hideous appearance, gold diggers are probably your best bet. You needn’t be in the superyacht league, just having enough cash or a house might do these days. Sure, it’s a bit like dating a prostitute, but that just means you’ve got a fun relationship like in Pretty Woman, right?

Lacking personality

Force yourself to sit through five minutes of Made In Chelsea and you’ll realise people who are catwalk model material don’t need an interesting personality, or indeed any personality at all. You’ll need to be hilariously witty, have the trained ear of a professional counsellor and do interesting stuff like regularly saving drowning animals. A tall order, but a fact of life when you look like Michael Gove.

Being high maintenance

Nobody would keep throwing time, effort and money at a rusty old 2007 Nissan Micra, and you’re no different. Gorgeous bastards can be a pain in the arse, but for you it’s best to agree with everything they say and do everything you’re told. Start throwing prima donna hissy fits and you’ll get dumped pronto. Regard it as a valuable lesson in life’s unfairness.

Believing bullshit

For god’s sake don’t come out with rubbish like ‘It’s the sort of person you are inside that counts’. You’ll look like even more of a twat when your partner abruptly leaves you for someone who’s a boring, unreliable, annoying personality vacuum but just happens to be extremely good-looking.

Being underhung

Debate rages about whether big penises are all that, but if you’re an ugly man then an impressive knob is one less obstacle, should you actually manage to get your target – sorry, new girlfriend – as far as the bedroom. A teeny little winkle will get a kindly ‘size doesn’t matter to me’ response, only for you to wake from your post-coital doze at 3am to discover they’ve f**ked off and changed their mobile number.

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