Lifestyle

COMMUTERS want to know why a man who gets the same train wears his rucksack on both shoulders.

NO-ONE should be discriminated against unless they drive a car that singles them out as an utter w**ker, Britain has agreed.

AN 88-year-old woman has confessed that her biggest regret is that she did not spend more time ironing clothes.

A COUPLE have hired a babysitter so they can spend a rare evening alone together looking at photographs of their kids.

A TOTAL ars*hole has just proclaimed autumn to be his favourite of all the seasons.

A MAN’S retired parents are looking forward to a rest after a punishing day of finding things to do that did not need doing.

A PARTY to reveal the gender of an unborn child is such a horrible, attention-seeking event that even the foetus in question is cringing.

WELCOME to your holiday flat. We hope you have a wonderful stay, though I hope to make that less likely by settling these rules.

GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed. 

WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.