Lifestyle

LONDON entering tier 3 lockdown is great news if you’re nuturing a hatred of London and everyone in it. Are you one of those dicks?

BRITONS have confirmed that the best way to deal with a pandemic, Brexit and winter is to throw shitloads of fairy lights at them.

YOUR 2019 self didn’t have a clue about the shitstorm that was heading their way. Here are five now commonplace activities they also couldn’t have foreseen.

DO you think people care about your self-indulgent problems at the moment? Here are five common complaints you shouldn’t expect anyone to give a f**k about.

A CAT has expressed its love for its owner by slicing his face open with its knife-like claws, he has confirmed.

DOES your father have no recognisable hobbies or interests? These Christmas present options will elicit a grunt of grudging gratitude.

NOT got enough on your entirely self-imposed Christmas to-do list? Here’s how to make December as pointlessly exhausting as possible.

A WOMAN is unable to give the driver who delivered her weekly shopping a five-star rating because his grammar let him down.

ARE you confused by people talking about things that could either be a haircut that would never suit you or a sex position you would never be able to make work? Here is a guide.

BITTER that you dicked around at the School of Hard Knocks and have no formal qualifications? Order the University of Life’s new prospectus.