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Woman who's never up before 9am calls herself 'a morning person'

A WOMAN who is never conscious before 9am counts herself as a morning person, she has revealed.

Freelance marketing consultant Lauren Hewitt claims to love that early morning feel of being up and ready and watching Lorraine while the rest of the world still slumbers.

She said: “It disgusts me when people waste the best part of the day slugging about in bed. I’m so much more productive in the AM.

“I get up, have a shower, do a little yoga, stroll down to the local bakery and grab a croissant and a cappuccino – they open, like, way early – and by 11am I’m already sending emails. Efficiency.

“And the great thing about starting so early is you don’t feel guilty about clocking off at 3pm. Whereas lazy people are chained to their laptops until early evening, I have a little power nap and I’m raring to go.

“Maintain that strict routine and you’ll find yourself accomplishing so much more. It’s all above embracing the morning person within yourself.”

When informed that some people raise at 5am, she said: “You what? Are they f**king mental?”

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NO calls to hang out this week? Don’t panic, your friends don’t hate you, you might be just outside everyone’s rule of six by being seventh on the list. The clues are in the past: 

That time everyone played ‘which Friends character are you’? 

Of course there’s a Ross-and-Rachel will-they-won’t-they in the group, as well as a goofy pair of Chandler-and-Joey best buddies, and a hot, irritating Monica, and a kooky outsider Phoebe, and then everyone clapped their hands and declared the game done. Then looked around and saw you and said ‘And how can we forget Gunther?’

That time you had to get your own Uber

Remember that night out in 2019, when everyone decided to go on from the restaurant to a club, and called two Ubers, and piled into the Ubers, and the Ubers drove away leaving you at the kerb? Even when you could have gone in either middle seat? You should have known then you were never getting an invite to the reunion picnic.

That time you had to buy your own Secret Santa

Everyone knew you were in the group chat, right? Joining in the fun, saying ‘I hope I get Grace, I’ve got a hilarious gift for her.’ But then everyone got drawn, and just enough later for it to be suspicious you apparently got assigned yourself, and it was ‘too late to re-swap’, so you had to buy yourself a novelty mug, didn’t you?

That time you were at the wedding but not a bridesmaid

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That time last September when you were left out of the rule of six

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