Woman unable to walk down street without holding coffee

A WOMAN is struggling to go anywhere without a takeaway coffee in her hand.

Carolyn Ryan has become so accustomed to leaving her flat, place of work and any cafe she visits with a coffee in-hand that she can no longer conceive of having both hands free.

Ryan, 32, said: “If my hand isn’t weighed down with a latte I feel so light and free like I might just float away, or feel obliged to shake someone’s hand.

“Most of the time I don’t even drink it, I just like having a slightly warm hand and the knowledge I could spill 200ml of fluid down myself at any time.

“What’s so good about having empty hands anyway? It’s not the nineties. People aren’t walking around all free-handed, holding doors open for people and waving at their friends”.

Tom Logan, Ryan’s boyfriend, added: “Carolyn gets major anxiety in case she needs to dehydrate and there aren’t any coffee shops around.

“Her constant need to drink milky fluids is one of her little quirks, along with the claw her hand now forms when she isn’t holding her reusable coffee cup.”

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Bake Off contestant wishing they were 'Mad Halloween Woman' or 'Fringe Girl'

A CONTESTANT on The Great British Bake Off is worried they are lacking a bizarre, but essential quirk.

The baker, who asked to remain anonymous, said: “None of the viewers know anyone’s name. They just point at the screen and refer to us as ‘fringe girl’, ‘the hipster’ or ‘the mad Halloween one’.

“In the cutthroat world of standing in a pastel-decorated tent while checking your oven timer, you’ve got to have one specific mad thing about you. Otherwise how will publishers know how to theme your inevitable cookbook?

“I look kind of young and funky, but it’s not enough.

“From next week I’m only wearing boots with cleft toes, and decorating everything with vampire penguins.”

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