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'What’s so great about yachts?' billionaires asked

THE world’s super-rich have been asked what’s so f**king amazing about yachts that they all feel obliged to lash out half a billion on them. 

Following news that even Vladimir Putin has spent £500m on a yacht that looks like a big floating wedding cake, ordinary people are asking what on earth the appeal is.

Nathan Muir of Wrexham said: “I always assumed it was because you can’t be prosecuted in international waters, but now all the oligarchs are having theirs seized or can’t get them fuelled so that’s bollocks which makes it even more baffling.

“I’m sure it’s great when you’re in Venice, but you could just, like, live in Venice. And you don’t have to go far out to sea before it’s nothing but sea in every direction and it gets quite oppressive. I know, I’ve taken the ferry to the Isle of Man.

“What’s so great about sloshing about in a waterborne penthouse where all the staff live with you in cupboards? What’s the point of having a swimming pool on a boat? Is it not a bit like when retired couples live on a canal barge?

“Like private jets, castles in the mountains, Ferarris and 22-year-old Victoria’s Secret models, I get all that shit. I’d buy it tomorrow. But what’s the big deal with massive yachts?”

Oligarch Sergey Kirkorov said: “It f**king sucks. And I tell you what else I hate? All this shit modern art I have to buy.”

Are you horny enough for a new series of Bridgerton?

ARE you in enough of a frothing peak of sexual frenzy for Bridgerton season two? Take our quiz: 

How do you spend your evenings? 

A) Watching TV: it could be a documentary, a comedy show or even a sci-fi drama. After all, this is the golden age of television
B) Frottering myself frantically against the furniture while watching a period drama that has all the trappings of Bridgerton but without the glorious money shots

What do you look for in entertainment? 

A) A strong plot, solid acting, to learn something new about the world and to be absorbed
B) Bonnets, bosoms, breeches, flirtation, smouldering lust hidden beneath aristocratic gentility and a lady in petticoats getting oral from a hot Duke on library steps

Have you read the novels of Jane Austen? 

A) I haven’t, but apparently they’re tightly-written satire about the British landed gentry in the 18th century
B) I tore through all six of them and there was no shagging at all, not even Mr Darcy, even though the British landed gentry in the 18th century was awash with sex and everyone obsessed about it constantly, like I do

How are you sleeping at the moment? 

A) Like a log. I’m so knackered I’m out the moment my head hits the pillow
B) I’m tossing and turning all night through, my mind writhing with dapper gentlemen in waistcoats, beautiful debutantes in corsets, elaborate masked balls, explicit sex acts performed in brocade-draped drawing rooms, wicked chaperones, being done from behind on a chaise longue, dowries, riding a Viscount in a four-poster bed, and the servants blushing as they hear me climax

Are you planning to watch the new Bridgerton? 

A) Is that the period drama, is it? I don’t think I finished it. I preferred the one where the girl played chess
B) Yes! YES! YESSS!!!

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You act like Bridgerton’s not the sexual event of your year, but beneath your whalebone stays you’re wild for it just like the Duke of Hastings was for Daphne. You little tease.

Mostly Bs: You think of nothing but Bridgerton night and day. It is your pinnacle, your release. You’ll binge-watch all eight episodes in one libidinous day then lie there, sated, covered in your own shame and regret. Then do it all over again the next day.

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