A BULGARIAN criminal gang has stolen a record £53.9 million with fake Universal Credit claims over four years. So how unfeasibly angry does it make you, and should you call an ambulance?

Lauren Hewitt, beautician: I’m so angry I’ve just shat myself. The fact that they’re Bulgarian makes it worse, because there shouldn’t be any foreigners in other countries, ever. How would Bulgaria like it if I went over there and stole the Patriarchal Cathedral of St. Alexander Nevsky?

Roy Hobbs, plumber: It’s the worst crime a gammon like me could find out about. It’s already got benefit fraud and immigrants, so if they’d been transgender my head would have literally exploded like in Scanners. 

Charlotte Phelps, beautician: My blood is boiling so much I’m having to spend the day in my chest freezer. What a mug I am for choosing the straight and narrow when I could be living it up as a criminal. I wouldn’t mind the constant paranoia and high risk of losing the best years of my life in prison so I’m definitely going to pursue a life of crime now.

Martin Bishop, dentist: I’m so furious my eyeballs have popped out, but I don’t mind people stealing money. That’s good-natured fun, as we know from Ocean’s Eleven and Buster. However benefit fraud is different. Benefits are there for people who need them, who I would also put in labour camps, the lazy freeloading scum. 

Donna Sheridan, chef: I’m assuming it’s not just a random crime and it’s deliberate government policy now to invite criminals here to steal British money. I’m so angry bits of my brain are coming out, and that’s the last thing I need.