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'Wet January' and four other ways to cure the New Year blues

THE new year can be a difficult time for many, especially after 12 months of bloody 2020. Here are some surefire ways to shake off the January blues: 

E-resign

Let’s face it, it’s probably your job that’s making you unhappy. So take advantage of being able to resign via Zoom. Nothing will perk you up more than calling your boss a twat, giving them the double Vs then closing your laptop like a coward before they bollock you.

Do ‘Wet January’

Sure, Dry January is healthy and for a great cause. But why pick such a depressing month not to drink? Give the opposite a try. Drink for 31 days straight. Bonus points for trying a different beverage on each day. Bonus bonus points for not ending up in rehab.

Hibernate like a bear

No one can feel bad in bed. Make yourself a tent out of a duvet and pillows and wait for this whole January thing to blow over. You can’t literally hibernate but you probably bought enough Christmas provisions to see you through another month. Admittedly, you might be approaching the lower reaches of your Netflix account, so prepare to binge six seasons of Dawson’s Creek.

Travel 

You might not be able to visit the country you want to, but be creative. Apparently Turkmenistan is particularly bracing at this time of year. Hop on a flight to Ashgabat, buy yourself a delicious bowl of plov and get ready to enjoy the world’s fourth largest reserves of natural gas.

Take up a hobby

Hobbies can be a real tonic during the dark evenings and depressing weather. Perhaps use 2020 as inspiration and finally start building that panic room, become a backstreet dentist or dabble at making a mutant Covid vaccine in your bathtub.

Rationing bog rolls, and other ways 2021 could be even worse

AS we start a new year, everyone is convinced 2021 cannot possibly be as bad as 2020. They’re right. It could be worse:

Rationing bog rolls

After experiencing a run on toilet rolls throughout the first two lockdowns, the government is forced to ration them to one per household per week. Two if you can prove – with a doctor’s note – that you defecate excessively. 

Everything is cancelled – again

Last year saw every major event in the world postponed until this year. So the real shitter would be if they’re all cancelled again. This depressing cycle could go on until Sir Paul McCartney headlines Glastonbury on a zimmer frame and Germany win Euro 2020 in 2057 with a squad of pensioners.

Covid-20

After we finally get a handle on coronavirus, the Wuhan bats release Covid-20. It turns out they’ve been playing the long game. Covid-20 is much more infectious and gives you spots to add insult to injury.

Britain votes to leave planet Earth

After Brexit proves to be a disappointment, Leavers demand another daft nationalistic project, ‘Earthexit’. Worried by Nigel Farage, the government holds another referendum and we somehow vote to leave planet Earth by a landslide of 84 per cent. It’s not clear how any of this will work, but Leave voters are unconcerned about the details, as usual.  

Trump gets back in

After Rudy Giuliani somehow proves most of the Democratic votes in Pennsylvania, Michigan and Georgia were cast by Joe Biden in a series of increasingly elaborate disguises, Trump is immediately reinstalled as president. 

U2 put another album on our phones  

Suddenly, just like in 2014, there’s another U2 album there on our phones. We didn’t ask for it, and there’s nothing we can do about it. The Covid-themed album is pretentious bollocks, but annoyingly catchy and you’ll hum some of it against your will.

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