subscribe
/ Sign Out

Wedding list taking the absolute piss

A COUPLE’S online wedding list has got to be taking the piss, it has been confirmed.

Nathan Muir and Donna Sheridan constructed a list of somehow acceptable gifts and experiences and now expect their friends and family to supply them, no questions asked.

Invited guests have described the move as ‘ridiculous’ and ‘dickheaded’.

Tom Booker said: “I’m taking a day off work because they’re too tight to have it at the weekend. Now they want me to shell out £300 for something called a ‘Couple’s Holistic Energy Re-Centring Afternoon’? Get fucked.”

Mother of the bride Helen Archer said: “Nathan and Donna are living in la-la-land if they think they’re getting a statue of a pug that costs more than my car. I’m going halfers on a kettle.”

Despite the pushback from guests, wedding experts have praised Muir and Sheridan for being upfront and honest in their expectations.

Wedding planner Mary Fisher said: “At least it’s not one of those weddings where people are encouraged to donate to charity or ‘give what they like’. Those ones are really taking the piss.”

How middle-class is your internet history?

YOUR internet history is an open secret to your boss and your partner, apart from suspicious incognito periods, so it needs to reflect your values and aspirations. But is it middle-class enough? 

You’re reading the news, which is allowed at work because nobody’s ever said it isn’t. But what site do you visit?
A) The Guardian
B) Mail Online
C) The Guardian and Mail Online so you can give the perfect, inoffensive reply no matter who you’re talking to.

What clothing sites do you browse?
A) Joules, Fat Face, Berghaus, the usual
B) ASOS, boohoo, PrettyLittleThing, the usual
C) None, you receive the Boden catalogue in the post

How many Wikipedia articles on serial killers do you click in a day?
A) Between six and ten, but only by finding your way there from other subjects leaving a chain of deniability
B) Between 40 and 80, reading the best bits out to colleagues
C) About 100, but only because you’re currently recording your own true crime podcast

When Googling celebrities, what do you search?
A) Age and height
B) Who they’ve shagged
C) If they’re vegan

What is your social media site of choice?
A) Twitter, where I tweet at newspapers accusing them of bias
B) Facebook, where I tell relatives to be more racist
C) I’m on a social media sabbatical for wellness

ANSWERS
Mostly As: Yes, you have middle-class habits, political beliefs and income, but you’re still a pathetic hopeful in your inmost soul.

Mostly Bs: Why are you even pretending to be middle class? Why have you done this quiz? Isn’t there a copy of the Puzzler to hand?

Mostly Cs: Your internet history is so middle-class you print it out and leave it casually around for guests to admire. In the downstairs loo.

Next story ›