ARRIVED at your university convinced every local is a thick failure like the twats from school? Reinforce your superiority from day one:
Exaggerate your accent
Really stressing your exotic accent lets everyone know you’re from somewhere better. Locals may never have met a traveller from another county before, so enunciate every syllable of ‘STA-AY-KE BAY-AY-KE’ for your hungover Greggs order to be understood. And mimic the regional accent. They’ll find it endearing.
Show off in the pub quiz
You’re an expert in every field, so prove it at quiz night. As a big fish in a small pond where nobody knows a bloody thing, you can drain the regulars’ money and win a free Sunday dinner for you and your crazy team. It’s the locals charitable donation to you for boosting the town’s economy.
Ignore ‘cash only’ rules
It’s a tradition as old as 80s students paying for cinema tickets by cheque. Flash your card everywhere to prove you’re above mere money, whether buying artisanal coffees, ironic cuckoo clocks or getting your Yaris valeted. You dwell on a higher intellectual plane, you can’t be tied down by physical currency.
Get pissed at cherished locations
Does your new home have a statue, church or bucolic seafront location the locals love? It’ll be riotously funny to get shitfaced there. It doesn’t matter if townsfolk call you an obnoxious twat, they only live here so they’re not real. Besides they’ll have done the same in their day, everyone goes to uni.
Wear university clothing at all times
It is not enough to be young, attractive and openly smoking weed to signal that you’re a student. Make yourself unmistakable by decking yourself out in a slogan hoodie so everyone knows they’re dealing with a total legend, especially when you soil your hockey team trackie bottoms at Wetherspoons.
Claim the city as yours
You’ve been here for three weeks, so you’re a local now. Given your prodigious intelligence, you probably know the city better than them. Assert your right to brush them into the gutter as you and your squad stride by, to go to the front of any queue, to steal their traffic cones and to vomit in their gardens. This town is your playground and you’ve earned it.
