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The Halloween costumes you can't make slutty

HALLOWEEN is a time for ghosts, ghouls and women who want an excuse to wear revealing costumes. If you’re going to regret dressing as a slutty witch here are some outfits which are hard to sexualise. 

Serial killer 

Thousands of podcasts and documentaries attest to our morbid fascination with these bastards, but hopefully no one will be turned on by ‘sexy Harold Shipman’ or ‘erotic Rose West’. And if they are, they’re probably not someone to go home with unless you fancy ending up under the floorboards. Besides, Shipman, West, Jeffrey Dahmer and Dennis Nilsen all had really horrible glasses and that should be enough to deter anyone except hardcore true crime weirdos.

Animals

A surprising number of animals lend themselves to sexy outfits: Playboy bunnies, Batman, Catwoman, and possibly Taylor Swift in Cats, although even she struggles to make furry tits not weird. You’ve still got plenty to work with though – dogs aren’t noted for being sexy, fish probably aren’t the most responsive lovers, and no one has ever found a sheep costume thrilling, unless you’re in Wales. Anywhere else and it’s unlikely you’ll meet someone with a raging boner for Shaun the Sheep.

Minions

Too f**king annoying to be hot, no matter how much yellow-painted flesh you show. 

Tampon 

Horrible, but a costume that’s easy to make if you’ve got enough cotton wool, sticky tape and ketchup. Will instantly remind men of sex-free days of the month where they’re either accused of being thoughtless bastards or having a hang-up about menstrual blood. Even then you’ll look a bit mental and lots of people get the shudders from touching cotton wool, so this is one period where there really is no chance of getting pregnant. 

Grim Reaper

With a costume you’ve bought off Amazon or assembled yourself, there’s a strong risk your zombie, plague victim or drowned Titanic passenger will be too sexy if you’re showing a bit of cleavage or plastered in pale makeup rather than convincing decomposing flesh. No such problem with the Grim Reaper, who will instantly remind drunken partygoers of the inevitability of death and how they’ve frittered their finite time on this Earth. It’s hard to maintain an erection when you’re experiencing suffocating existential dread, oddly.

Is Poppy Day disrespect starting too early nowadays? By Roy Hobbs

DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.

Poppy Day disrespect is beyond disgusting, and also the highlight of my year. There’s nothing like the warm glow of sanctimony I get from criticising disrespectful bastards who don’t wear a poppy.

But condemning them keeps getting earlier, like Christmas. This week journalist Kevin Maguire was harangued on Good Morning Britain for not wearing a poppy, but to be honest it was still two weeks away and maybe he’d just not bought one yet. The last thing we want is for fake poppy controversies to become a joke.

Criticising Poppy Day disrespect is part of what makes us British – angry, intolerant and easily manipulated by the right-wing press. If we start calling people woke leftie snowflakes at the start of October it takes the fun out of Remembrance Sunday itself.

I believe we need an official starting date for Poppy Day disrespect, perhaps November 5th. That’s a good patriotic day when a traitor got arrested and tortured, so it’s perfect for aggressively hassling strangers with an implied threat of physical violence. 

Everyone will know where they stand, and the press would still have a whole week to use poppies to undermine anyone left-wing whose other views might include making billionaires like newspaper owners pay a fair amount of tax.

So let’s keep Poppy Day disrespect special, and focus on screaming like lunatics at woke leftie scum who may as well be pissing on the corpses of Our Lads in Flanders, Gold Beach and Goose Green. Thank God some of us still have respect for the dead.

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