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Ten festive things to try shoving up yourself this Christmas

BORED over the festive period? Also horny and transgressive? You can only penetrate yourself with these once a year: 

A bauble

With so many on the tree, nobody will miss just one. And they come in such seductively varied shapes and sizes. Avoid antique ones made of glass or God forbid mercury, or you’ll end up in A&E behind six other people who’ve done the same.

A candle

Needs to be cinnamon-and-clementine scented to count. Come in different sizes to accommodate all orifices. Lighting the wick is optional.

A Terry’s Chocolate Orange

Lying about everywhere during this period, you can post in segments one-by-one or shove it up whole. Remove from the box first. Break it by twerking then offer everyone a bit.

A bottle of Baileys

The rest of the year you’re slotting wine bottles, so Baileys makes a lovely change. With its sleek long neck, it’s begging you to. Try it over ice for an entirely different experience.

A Christingle

Worried your festive insertion isn’t religious enough? A Christingle is the perfect solution. Combines both a candle and an orange for a festive feeling you won’t forget. Watch for cocktail sticks with dolly mixtures on. They hurt.

A turkey crown

Got a spare? Switch up and make the turkey itself the stuffing this year. For a vegan alternative, try a nut roast up your nether regions. Serve warm but allow to cool.

A cracker

Stick one end up, clench and let a partner pull the other! Ensure the loved one is a sexual partner and not an unsuspecting family member. Be careful with the tiny plastic toys; they are so easily lost.

Tinsel

Like a magician pulling handkerchiefs from a pocket, you too can bring joy and wonder to a Christmas party by expelling fifteen feet of tinsel from inside yourself. Plus the texture is wonderfully exfoliating.

A Yule log

Best of the Christmas desserts and a sure crowd pleaser. Covered in chocolate ganache so guaranteed to slide in easily. Looks like any normal movement coming out.

A Christmas tree

Go big or go home. Combine baubles, tinsel and candles on a decorated tree for heightened fun. Opt for plastic or the authenticity of a real, live tree. May kill you.

Auntie's character still accelerating into wall four days after end of family Mario Kart tournament

AN aunt’s Mario Kart character is still doggedly accelerating into a wall four days after the rest of the family put down their controllers.

Princess Peach, controlled by Donna Sheridan, remains stuck against a barrier on the first turn of the Royal Raceway course with zero chance of a comeback at this very late stage.

Sheridan was unable to work out how to steer the cartoon go-kart, despite having driven real cars for over 30 years and Mario Kart being suitable for players as young as three.

She said: “I thought I was winning, but then my nephew Liam said I was looking at the wrong part of the screen, and my car was the one in the bottom right-hand corner.

“I told him the Nintendo must have made a mistake, but eventually I had to accept that Princess Peach was a little bit stuck. Who invents a game where nobody can tell what’s going on? That’s just stupid.” 

Her six-year-old niece Lucy said: “It’s embarrassing. You turn by pushing the joystick left or right. How is that hard? How does Auntie Donna hold down a job?”

Despite annoyingly receiving every possible power up and successfully blue-shelling the leader just by mashing the controls at random, Sheridan remains in last place.

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