Temu, and other brands which you aren't sure what they are but they seem dodgy as f**k

2nd May 2024

KEEP hearing people talking about their ‘Shein hauls’ and don’t know what the hell they’re on about? You’re probably confused and suspicious about these other brands too.

Temu

You may not have used Temu but you will definitely have seen adverts for it, probably on pretty much every web page you ever visit. It’s essentially Chinese Amazon, but it seems dodgy as hell because of the mad discounts it offers. Want an electric nose hair trimmer which has been discounted by 82 per cent down to 77p? Temu is your place. Presumably slave labour is involved at all stages, but hey, who doesn’t love a bargain?

Shein

If you like buying nine tops for three quid and then waiting ten days for them to arrive so you can realise they’re cheap tat you will never wear, Shein is for you. If you added up the amount you spend on strangely-fitting, badly-made items that end up in the charity shop within a week, you could buy something of good quality from a real shop that you can try on first, and enjoy wearing.

Wayfair

Wayfair is an online marketplace where you can buy cheap furniture. Sounds fine, right? Well, yes, but unfortunately for Wayfair they ended up at the centre of a mad QAnon conspiracy which said they were trafficking children, presumably by locking them in wardrobes before shipping them around the world. It’s obviously bullshit, and yet you can’t help but have a lingering suspicion about them.

Wish

If you like your shopping experience to be insane, head to Wish. Here you can buy items described as ‘Women Men Pheromone Perfume Body Spray Flirt Perfume Attract Girl Scented Water for Men’. Or spend 99p on a pair of (allegedly) gold-plated titanium rings. It’s the Wild West of shopping, and most of it looks like it will fall apart the second you open the packaging, but if you’re only in it for the dopamine hit of pressing ‘buy now’, you’ll enjoy it here.

AliExpress

Do you want to feel depressed by the sheer amount of tacky, horrible crap that is mindlessly produced and purchased? Do you want to worry about the nature-killing pollution created by shipping this useless nonsense around the world, poisoning the air and sea for future generations? Then have a little look at AliExpress. And while you’re there, spend £2.60 on a pair of knock-off Levis, because you just can’t resist.

Firmoo

Glasses are expensive in the UK, aren’t they? But it would be crazy to email your prescription to China having paid £20 for a pair of frames instead, wouldn’t it? Well, no, actually. It turns out Firmoo make nice specs incredibly cheaply, and maybe Specsavers are the dodgy ones. Take our money China, you guys know what you’re doing in this case.

Richard Madeley's Middle England guide to Kendrick Lamar vs Drake, and other rap beefs

2nd May 2024

KENDRICK Lamar has comprehensively dissed Drake on a new track. If you’re confused by this and other rap beefs, who better to explain than Good Morning Britain’s Richard Madeley?

Ice Cube vs NWA

After a royalties dispute with NWA, Mr Cube released No Vaseline, which I didn’t understand at all. Judy and I always keep some vaseline in the house because it’s handy for cuts and grazes and does exactly the same job as expensive moisturiser. Then I discovered Mr Cube meant NWA were being sodomised without lubricant by their manager! I’m sorry but I don’t think these lyrics are appropriate for a song impressionable young people might hear and attempt to copy.

Kendrick Lamar vs Drake

Goodness knows what this is about. Lamar has told Drake: ‘I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk, I hate the way that you dress.’ Lamar is entitled to his opinion, but these are issues that could be better addressed in an email. If we all went around rapping about things that annoy us we’d be living in a madhouse! I’d be going ‘Where did I put that Phillips screwdriver?’ and ‘Stop being a superior cow, Susanna’ all the time!

50 Cent vs The Game

Apparently 50 Cent’s grievance was that his record label delayed the release of his LP so it wouldn’t clash with The Game’s. This sparked a lengthy dispute and 50 apparently ‘kicked The Game out of G-Unit’. I’m not entirely sure what a G-Unit is. It sounds like something to do with air-conditioning, so quite frankly only an accredited heating engineer should be in there in the first place.

Stormzy vs Wiley

Wiley was annoyed that Stormzy had worked with Ed Sheeran, saying he was ‘just using grime’. Sounds like jealousy to me, because who wouldn’t leap at the chance to work with a musical genius like Ed? Then he dragged Stormzy’s mother into it, saying he would ‘rip that weave off her head’. Stormzy responded by rapping that Wiley had a ‘death wish’. I’ve met Stormzy and he’s a giant of a man. Threatening someone’s mother just isn’t on, so if Stormzy pulls Wiley’s arms off like Chewbacca he will have no one to blame but himself.

Nas vs Jay-Z

I warn you, this is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Jay-Z invited Nas to be on one of his songs, but he didn’t turn up. This escalated into a lengthy beef which culminated in Jay-Z recording Supa Ugly, in which he claimed to have had sexual relations with Nas’s girlfriend and left male deposits in Nas’s car. What sort of twisted mind comes up with a thing like that? Just the thought of Jay-Z smearing his ejaculate on the seat of my three-litre Jaguar XJ makes me feel sick, as it would any decent car-owner.

Eminem vs various artists

Eminem has had ‘beefs’ with numerous artists including Everlast, Ja Rule and Machine Gun Kelly, and I haven’t heard of any of them. Nonetheless, my solution would be to sit down in the pub and sort out your differences man-to-man over a pint of Guinness. And maybe Eminem should start listening to better music people have actually heard of! I’ve always enjoyed the records of The Bangles, and the girls are very pretty, especially the singer.

Tupac vs Biggie

This one rings a bell. Tupac believed Biggie had a role in him being shot and seriously wounded in 1994, so he released Hit Em Up calling him a ‘fat motherf**ker’. Then Tupak got killed, and so did Biggie, which I think shows how easily a bit of good-natured ribbing can get out of hand. My advice is this: if you think a rapper is trying to shoot you, for God’s sake call Crimestoppers. If Tupac had raised his concerns with the police instead of rapping about it, perhaps he would still be alive and making beef records. Food for thought.