FEELING cheated because doing anything fun on your day off will be frowned upon by the mourning police? You might just get away with these:
Listen to music
There’s no harm in this, with a single caveat. Don’t put on anything upbeat or cheerful in case the neighbours hear. Stick to Leonard Cohen and Adele, or if you’re not into those glum bastards put a track you hate on repeat. You’ll feel suitably dejected and hopeless after two hours of Oxide & Neutrino’s Bound 4 Da Reload (Casualty).
Have an indoors day trip
Replicate a family day out without leaving the house by arranging the dining chairs in a car configuration, getting the kids to be proper little bastards for two hours, bollocking them, then all huddling together under an umbrella in the shower. Throw £65 out of the window to cover the cost of drinks and burgers. Get back in your dining chairs.
Have sex
No-one will know you’ve had sex and it’s technically not illegal. It might feel thrillingly taboo and kinky doing it with the funeral on TV. As long as the camera doesn’t linger too long on particular members of the crowd.
Make a lovely roast dinner
There’s nothing like a leg of lamb or a crispy roast chicken with all the trimmings. However, this hinges on you having picked up all the ingredients yesterday, when the shops were thronged because of today. If not you’ll be sitting down to tinned tuna, oven chips and HP Sauce for gravy, a meal so miserable it’s entirely fitting.
Exercise
Your options are limited here. You’ll never round up enough for five-a-side, but Subbuteo will give your forefinger a decent workout. Jogging is a possibility, but it’s round your lounge avoiding the coffee table. You’ll be okay with a game of swingball though. Not even the most fervent royalist could accuse swingball of being fun.
Totally waste the bank holiday like you normally do
Start out with a plan like updating your CV, putting all the crap in the garage on Gumtree or getting to work on your screenplay. Then listlessly watch YouTube videos for six hours. Dispirited, you shovel down beans-on-toast and hey presto! It’s time for bed and work again tomorrow.
