subscribe
/ Sign Out

Shivering wreck of a man too hard to use umbrella

A MAN would rather be a shivering mess on the verge of pneumonia than use an umbrella and look soft.

Office worker Tom Logan insists on going out in the rain wearing just a jacket and getting soaked through, in a weird and unnecessary attempt to look tough.

Logan said: “These snowflakes with their brollies are pathetic. It’s only a bit of rain, although admittedly I am so wet and cold I’m visibly shaking. 

“You won’t find me poncing about with an umbrella getting in everyone’s way. I’m more your rugged, no-nonsense type who doesn’t mind being soaked and uncomfortable for no reason. 

“I also like to have my hands free for manly stuff like fighting and eating pasties. I’m sure women are impressed when they see me walking down the high street looking like a drowned rat.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I wish Tom would just use a s*dding umbrella. Getting a bit damp on the way to Waitrose does not make him Tyson Fury.”

What Labour will take from your house to pay for their manifesto

LABOUR’S election manifesto means they will take the things you love from your home and sell them to raise money. Here’s an item-by-item guide.

Five per cent public sector pay rise, paid for by taking YOUR SOFA
Nurses, doctors, teachers and social workers will get more money, at the cost of you having nowhere to sit. They’ll be laughing it up while you and your wife squat miserably on upturned crates, the pattern cutting into your buttocks. 

Tuition fees abolished, paid for by taking YOUR KETTLE
It’s a free ride for students and no more hot drinks for you. Instead of settling down with a steaming cuppa, you’ll be sipping a cold Vimto on a freezing night while they go to Ibiza foam parties and pass ridiculous motions about everyone being transsexual. And you’re paying. 

Nationalising the railways, paid for by taking YOUR CAR
You’ll be trudging to work through six miles of rain and mud while they speed past on trains, laughing at you, throwing peanuts and shouting ‘dance, monkey’. And you’ve still got to make all the remaining car payments. 

Free full-fibre broadband, paid for by taking ALL YOUR CLOTHES
Crofters on the Isle of Skye will be able to stream the new Coldplay album, watch Netflix and masturbate to high-definition pornography. But you? Shivering in a corner and going to the office in thin coverings you’ve fashioned yourself from staples and bin bags. 

Care for the elderly, paid for by taking YOUR PRECIOUS SENTIMENTAL TRINKETS
Grandfather’s watch. Mother’s jewellery. A photo album of your uncle’s Navy years, worth nothing financially but the world to you. Do you want Momentum thugs to kick down your door and take the lot? Because that’s what will happen if you vote Labour.

Next story ›