subscribe
/ Sign Out

Seven jobs you've been putting off for three years that would take five minutes

WHY is it that some perfectly easy tasks are impossible to do? No one knows, but here are the piss-easy things you cannot get around to doing.

Moving the old post from the sideboard

Moving envelopes is just so much effort. Far better to wait until you have a paper Mount Everest on your kitchen sideboard and then set fire to it.

Putting stuff at the bottom of the stairs to take upstairs

Even though you use the stairs at least 10 times a day, it never feels like the right time to take the ‘to go up’ pile with you. Instead you keep promising yourself you’ll take it up on your next trip but it never happens, until you find yourself thinking ‘Oh, the third step up is where we keep that stuff now’.

Take your meter readings

The electricity company have repeatedly told you that you need to supply a meter reading so they can send you an accurate bill. And you repeatedly do not. You just carry on paying the higher amount like you’re some kind of carefree millionaire.

Print out pictures

You’ve been meaning to get your photographs printed since 2005 but all you have to show for it is a cupboard full of beautiful empty frames. Now there are even more photos to deal with. F**k it, the frame people are better looking than your family anyway.

Putting toilet roll on the holder

You could literally do this job while taking a shit, it’s that easy. Yet, no. You just continuously shove the new toilet roll on top of the loo until the bathroom is full of empty tubes. You are pathetic.

Updating your software

You are not the boss of me, phone. I’ll update you when I am good and ready. Which is around about… never.

Sorting out the Tupperware cupboard

Far easier to spend three hours looking for a lid to match the tub every time you need one than to take five minutes sorting the cupboard out, right? Until eventually the lids mysteriously disappear altogether.

Andy McNab's SAS guide to lunch hour drinking

LIKE an SAS operation, lunch hour drinking requires you to go in fast, get the job done and get the hell out of there after an hour. Here Andy McNab advises how to do it.

Recon

You don’t want some pub full of girly wankers blocking the bar as they pointlessly decide whether to get a rocket salad or a whole bottle of shiraz. Select a target with clear bar space by hiding in a nearby bush with night vision binoculars for 48 hours. 

Synchronise watches, check GPS

You want to get in there slightly ahead of the lunchtime crowd, so the optimal strike time is 11.50am. You’ll have caught the casual office drinker completely off guard – and the bastards are going to pay for it.

Initial breach

You need at least two blokes securing positions at the bar. If necessary, block the doorway with a few lads or lasses chatting aimlessly while irritated pubgoers try to squeeze past. Regroup at the bar and have a look at the lunchtime menu.

Go in hard on the drinks

You’ve now got the strategic advantage, so put a f**king massive drinks order in, much to the annoyance of everyone else trying to get served. You can probably get four pints down in an hour if you’re disciplined, so line them up. Get some chicken wings and nachos as a diversionary tactic.

Situational awareness

In Bravo Two Zero we fought a running battle in constant fear of being outflanked. Lunch hour drinking is no different. Use a system of hand signals across the pub to get Emma to get Lucy another sauv blanc if she’s running low and needs to go to the loo.

Tactical retreat

Have your unit ready to head back to the office on the shout of ‘GO! GO! GO!’. This is a matter of split-second timing, because some bosses can be really arsey about you being five minutes late back from lunch.

Next story ›