STRANGELY, certain hobbies have never developed a female following. Here beer festival regular Martin Bishop lists some of the wonderful activities women are missing out on.
Fishing
A fun hobby that involves sitting alone by an unpicturesque river for hours, occasionally removing a barbed hook from a fish without ripping its face open. Give it chance, ladies – you might discover a secret passion for solitary brooding and revolting fish diseases.
Collecting SS memorabilia
Sadly this historical hobby is practised exclusively by creepy male loners with an unhealthy interest in the Third Reich. But collecting SS caps and daggers really isn’t that different to collecting antiques, it’s just that the previous owner of a Blue Willow tea set probably wasn’t executed at Nuremberg.
Martial arts
Women do martial arts, but they tend to be more interested in the sporting or self-defence aspect, rather than collecting nunchucks and throwing stars or obsessively watching Bruce Lee videos. And, of course, imagining meeting the kid who bullied you at school and karate-chopping him to a bloody pulp. Come on, ladies, surely you’ve got juvenile revenge fantasies too?
The Sealed Knot
Contrary to popular belief there are some great roles for women in English Civil War reenactments – spinning yarn, preparing food, looking after the baggage train. And if you’re a woman hoping to meet a partner through your hobby, the total lack of females basically means you’re Margot Robbie if you can breathe.
Owning a samurai sword
What better talking point for your lounge than a large samurai sword on a decorative rack? Especially if you’ve sharpened it so it will easily take someone’s head off. Curiously, only men seem to be into this engrossing and not-in-any-way-mental hobby.
Dungeons & Dragons
It’s easy to mock 25-year-old virgins pretending to be dwarves and warlocks, but D&D is actually a compelling game of decision-making and imagination. Also we desperately need more female players because in my current ‘campaign’, Dave the fat IT guy plays a sexy female elf and it’s giving me confusing feelings.
Real ale
Women like getting tipsy and socialising, thus missing out on the best bit of drinking – discussing specific gravity. Females might feel they’d be out-of-place in the world of real ale, but after a few years of drinking heavy brews with names like Old Bender’s Clopper you’ll be as rotund and dishevelled as everyone else.
