CONCERNS have been raised over children being left unsupervised on gaming platform Roblox. So as a responsible parent, which game should you be allowing to bring up your kids?
Minecraft
This giant virtual Lego world allows you to mine, craft tools and build structures. It’s great for kids’ creativity, but don’t expect them to learn anything that will help them pass exams or get a well-paid job later in life. So it’s like sending them to a Steiner school, really.
Skyrim
This fantasy game offers something for Guardian and Telegraph-reading parents alike. Its Nordic setting is a perfect introduction to nonsense like ‘hygge’ and generally wanking on about how great Scandinavia is. Meanwhile for Telegraph parents, the sheer size of the game and its many sidequests mean you’ll barely see your kids – just like boarding school. And at £29.95, it’s £53,720 a year cheaper than Eton.
Metal Gear Solid
With their emphasis on stealth, the various versions of Metal Gear Solid teach kids a valuable lesson: be quiet. If they’re getting on your nerves, encourage them to emulate Solid Snake by hiding under the bed for several hours with a butter knife gripped between their teeth.
Roblox
Another user-generated content game, this time with a platforming theme. It’s got a lot of users – imagine your kid having 90 million friends and f**king off to play at their houses all the time. Bliss! Sure, there’ve been a few minor concerns about grooming, but what’s a paedo going to actually do to your little one? Stand next to their avatar jumping up and down? You were in more danger from your pervy PE teacher Mr Dyson in 1986. Kids these days, etc.
Call of Duty
Worried your male child has had too sheltered an upbringing and needs toughening up? It’s time for online multiplayer mode. A few hours of relentless homophobic abuse and full details of their mother’s sexual proclivities will be more effective – and less permanent – than calling them Sue.
Manic Miner
With its outdated gameplay and basic graphics, Manic Miner teaches your child the value of repetitive tasks and low expectations – vital skills in the modern workplace. Plus you’re giving them a head start in life by introducing them to classical music. Well, a 1-bit version of In the Hall of the Mountain King. Make sure they have headphones.
Elite
In the 80s Elite caused a buzz with its revolutionary 3D graphics, and much merriment due to encouraging children to deal in narcotics. But definitely get your kid plonked in front of it, because the core mechanic is… commodities trading! Brilliant! It’s like brainwashing your child to work in the City of London! Get them obsessively calculating returns on tedious lists of minerals and alloys and that’s your retirement Saga cruises sorted.
Wolfenstein
Very, very educational. Technically Hitler didn’t have a mecha suit armed with Gatling guns, but the general gist of him being a wrong ‘un is correct. The developers should branch out into other GCSE history topics. James Hargreaves could come at you with a laser Spinning Jenny.
Mass Effect
It’s important not to forget your child’s emotional development, and the Mass Effect sci-fi RPG franchise introduces them to the concept of not f**king things up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. The multiple-choice romancing is woefully unrealistic and the dialogue painfully stilted, but still about a billion times less toe-curling than the average teenage romance.
