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Putting a condom on while maintaining an erection: sex challenges you can relate to

ONLYFANS stars are competing in sex challenges, but if your sex life is humdrum and you’re at best an average performer, less extreme ones are a lot more achievable: 

Putting a condom on while staying hard

By the time you’ve found them, opened the foil and worked out which way to unroll it, your penis is understandably losing interest. Nor does the condom help. One man doing it effortlessly is impressive; if 1,000 in a row could each manage it, emulating Bonnie Blue, it would be genuinely amazing. And if they failed very reassuring.

Acceptable sex talk

You’d love pointers on this. There could be a sex challenge where dozens of copulating people say things that are actually a turn-on and not instantly distracting or coitus-haltingly odd. All you can think of to say to your boyfriend is lame shit like ‘That’s so good’, which is so hackneyed even Michael Bay would think twice.

Sex without cheating

That is to say, no sneaky digital stimulation or complimentary cunnilingus, just straightforward shagging until climax from a more-or-less standing start. Actual proper missionary like granddad used to do, and lasting more than five minutes. Go.

A woman being sufficiently enthused to claw at you

Painful but undeniably cool. The problem is she’ll need to be pretty carried away to draw blood and you’ve never, ever got a woman to that point. Also you’d need to be shirtless to show it off, but the crowd who attends 7am-8am early bird swim at the municipal pool with you are surprisingly close-lipped.

Successfully chatting up a stranger

Not sex, but integral to the project. Wowing a hot stranger with enigmatic quips is commonplace in films, but unexpected obstacles like her misunderstanding a joke crop up far more frequently in life. Seeing this succeed would be both educational and impressive, like the raising of the Mary Rose.

Wild enthusiasm for oral

Like any gift, oral sex is far more fun to receive than give. The giver is already doing enough; you can’t expect them to feign a passion for it as well. Set up as a sex challenge, it would be interesting to see how ordinary punters fake being turned on by an act that’s as rewarding as licking an ice lolly with the wrapper on.

An acceptable post-sex breakfast

Unrelated to your sexual abilities or lack thereof, but tricky. Croissants and a decent coffee? Bacon and eggs? Bowl of Cheerios? Imagine saving a one-night stand with a breakfast so good she decides to stick around for lunch. It will never happen.

Five other middle-class events Just Stop Oil can comfortably disrupt

JUST Stop Oil are disrupting the fabric of British society with their daring protests, albeit only the hand-embroidered floral fabric. These are their next affluent targets: 

Life drawing class

Pencils are sharpened, easels are ready but instead of a nude man with a concerning BMI two protesters enter and throw orange pigment at those assembled, ruining their Jigsaw dresses and their day. Especially as Adrian, the instructor who trained at the Slade, had sternly informed everyone it was monochrome-only week.

A screening of South Korean queer cinema

The audience, proudly snack-free, file in for a rare screening of Yoo Ha’s 2008 classic A Frozen Flower. They are confident it will be an experience to discuss over intimate kitchen suppers for months, but instead are confronted with two Just Stop Oil stalwarts flinging soup. Even worse when a parental voice from the audience says ‘Put that down, Jolyeon.’

The Journey Menu at the Fat Duck

The diners settle to travel through 30 years of culinary iconoclasm, from the aerated beetroot to the crab ice-cream, bellies rumbling with anticipation. But what? A pair of activists with Oxbridge degrees enacting the kind of protest that is thoroughly agreed with only from afar? The evening is ruined, and for what? The Earth?

Liminal Chords at The Barbican

Really. Poet and sound artist MA.MOYO doesn’t respond in sound to the radical work of artist Noah Davis very often. This might be the only time, and now it’s been interrupted by two young people who may be principled but are also rude. Made worse by your initial gauche uncertainty as to whether it was part of the performance.

The World Darts Championship

Ah. Attended ironically by the middle-classes, who find the costumes and the drinking so very vibrant, the protestors have perhaps misjudged their hand here. The majority of the audience, and indeed the competitors, are less fond of irony and prefer lager. It is not orange which stains Just Stop Oil’s clothing as they are ushered out but an altogether redder hue.

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