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Posh twat family commandeers two square miles of park for picnic

A FAMILY of posh twats has roped off two square miles of a public park to have a fancy picnic. 

The family have reserved different areas for dining, drinks, kids’ entertainment and a good-natured game of rounders, and are passive-aggressively asking any strangers who stray across them not to.

Eleanor Shaw said: “We wouldn’t normally come to a public park but Boris did say we were to meet in a public place.

“No, but seriously it’s perfect for our socially-distanced soirée. We’ve set up the barbecues under the trees, there are blankets and hampers over there, and everyone else can just walk around the edges.”

Dog walker Nathan Muir said: “Literally about 60 per cent of the park so they can sit there drinking Pimm’s and eating chargrilled beef burgers off china plates. Selfish bastards.

“Still, at least they don’t grunt as much as the caveman fitness training class that usually has it.”

Office twat has three months of twattishness saved up

A MAN hated by all his colleagues has returned to work with 14 weeks of f**king annoying behaviour stored up.

Unbearable tosser Martin Bishop wasted no time droning on at length about his boring lockdown problems such as not being able to get a haircut and putting on hand sanitiser ostentatiously.

Colleague Tom Logan said: “By 9.42am on Monday he was already having a whip-round for his birthday because it happened during lockdown and had sent an email to our boss saying he was worried that ‘professional standards had slipped’.

“He was soon back to his old tricks like making a big deal of minor things like keeping the photocopier tray stocked with paper. I think he may also have asked Lucy if she’d had a lot of sex during lockdown.

“He’s not had anyone to inflict his twattishness on for several months so it was like opening the floodgates. He talked to me about the company bike shed for 19 minutes.”

Bishop said: “During lockdown I stuck rigidly to my contracted hours while at home, limited my toilet breaks and wrote my name on the food in my own fridge out of habit. I fail to see how that makes me a ‘wanker’ as Gavin suggested.”

Line manager Susan Traherne said: “Sadly we couldn’t sack him when he came back from furlough because he’s the only one who understands spreadsheets properly. Also he’s the type who might come back with a gun.”

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