DOING a ‘number two’ is an unavoidable bodily function. But sadly not all toilet trips can be relaxing moments of deep thought. Here are five particularly stressful shitting scenarios.
On a date
Spend more than five minutes away from the restaurant table and your date will guess your vile act. Try a ‘speed shit’ – do your business, flush and get the hell out of Dodge. Don’t look back, don’t wash your hands. Then realise your date is a dud who talks with their mouth full and has weird right-wing views. You may as well have brought a book and finished a chapter of Iain M Banks on the bog.
On a train
Train poos comes with two major risks. One: being identified as the culprit. If you’ve just done a stinky one, you need to skulk back to your seat quickly. Maybe throw people off the scent – as it were – by going to the buffet and spending £8 on an instant coffee and a Kit Kat. Risk two: you can’t work out how to lock the electric door, so every toilet trip comes with the risk of being slowly ‘unveiled’ by another traveller while you’re hunched over the bog.
Anywhere outside
You could be deep in the North American wilderness, surviving off berries and raccoon meat, but the moment you drop your slacks 15 ramblers from the Women’s Institute will immediately appear. Even if you avoid humans, nature will still ruin an outdoor shit. Which leaves are safe to wipe your arse on without three days of itching? And knowing your luck, one of the nation’s ten remaining adders is planning to slither up and bite you on the ringpiece.
At the in-laws
It doesn’t matter whether you’re newly dating their offspring or have been married a decade, taking a shit at the in-laws is PTSD territory. There’s nothing to match the horror of meeting Mr or Mrs Whatever as they potter about upstairs and you emerge from a noisy dump. They’ll be talking about your ‘loose bowels’ to their extended family for years to come. And would it f**king kill them to buy some air freshener? Cheapskates.
At the office
Most workers subscribe to the ‘hold it in until you’re home’ ethos. But that’s not always possible, particularly if your miserable job drove you to have eight pints on a Tuesday night. All you can do is take precautions. Go to the bogs on a different floor, open a window, stuff the lavatory with loo roll to create a cushion and for goodness’ sake, hold your feet up. You don’t want your workmates to be able to ID you from your shoes as the Secret Shitter of the 5th Floor.
