Middle-aged woman thrilled to be offered cocaine at gig

A 47-YEAR-OLD woman has confessed that being offered cocaine at a gig has made her feel like a teenager again. 

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford was leaving a gig in Brixton, which she had agreed to attend to impress a date, when she was offered the class-A substance by a dealer.

She said: “Well, it looks like somebody’s still got it.

“I’d never heard of the band, which turned out to be just a DJ, and I have to admit I was feeling a little bit out-of-place but Dave who I met on Plenty of Fish is four years younger so I had to pull out all the stops.

“I wasn’t sure the evening was a complete success until I was offered the cocaine. Honestly I could’ve kissed him.

“I turned to Dave, rolled my eyes like this happens to me all the time, politely declined and moved off. We’re on a third date this week. Who knew Cupid would come in the form of a shady drug dealer?

“Though I did blow it a little bit when I turned around and shouted back ‘But thank you for asking!’”

Are you an influencer?

ARE you a social media ‘influencer’ with the power to make consumers spend? Take this test to find out.

Have you created shareable visual content?

A)   My GIF of a ferret jumping into a welly with the words ‘not today mate’ has been shared by 20 million people.  

B)  I put on a cracking fireworks show for the cub scouts’ last Guy Fawkes.

Do you live stream?

A)  Yes, it’s a great way to interact with my followers who otherwise have very little hope in their lives.  

B)  No, and I would never take part in any urine-based sex act.

Do you hang out online?

A)   I am digitally omnipresent my whole existence will be on Facebook Live soon like a creepy science fiction film.

B)  I bung most of it in the tumble dryer but my best shirts I’ll drape on the radiator.

What is a micro-celebrity?

A) An irritating wannabe TV presenter who is too shit for The One Show but somehow has ten million followers from baking cakes with a novelty hat on.

B) Any celebrity around five feet in height.

Mostly As Congratulations, you’re a powerful online influencer in the same way a potent French cheese influences the smell of a fridge. 

Mostly B’s You are irrelevant. Or is that part of your brand? If so that is very smart and good luck with that book about living ‘off grid’.