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Man's facial hair clearly his proudest achievement

A MAN obviously considers his beard and moustache to be the best thing he has ever done with his life, and may sadly be correct.

Tom Logan’s personal and professional accomplishments are clearly a distant second to the thick tufts of hair growing from his face which he likes to make a show of stroking in a thoughtful manner.

Logan’s friend Martin Bishop said: “Fair play, it’s nice and bushy. But it’s hard to be that impressed by basic biological processes.

“He’s always talking about how long his beard took to grow out and inviting people to come and stroke it. The background on his phone is even a zoomed-in picture of his chin in all its hirsute glory.

“It’s not really a proper achievement though, like setting up a business or running a marathon. All he did was fail to drag a razor across his face for a few weeks. I don’t expect a medal for not cutting my toenails for ages. D’you want to see them? I thought not.

“Tom’s probably only rocking a beard to hide a terrible jawline anyway, and I bet it itches like crazy. Instead of finding him vain and irritating, I should pity him.”

Logan said: “Having a massive beard makes me feel extra-strong and masculine. Plus it’s a great distraction from my tiny dick.”

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Well I still don't know what a woman is, and I'm proud to say so

YESTERDAY’S Supreme Court decision means nothing to me. I still have no idea what characteristics could possibly constitute a woman, and I’m proud of it.

The ‘unanimous decision’ of these out-of-touch judges that ‘woman and sex refer to a biological woman and biological sex’ has only confused me further. What could they possibly mean? Ambiguous much?

The fact is when someone says the word ‘woman’ to me, my mind is a complete blank. ‘Sorry?’ I reply. ‘Could you be more specific?’ And I’m hardly alone in that.

Are women mere biological entities, reducible to the sum of their parts: breasts, cakes, tops from Jigsaw? Of course not. There is much more to them. Some are even philosophers.

Have I met a woman? Am I attracted to women? Am I a woman? No idea. And I never will until someone comes up with a definition of ‘woman’ that makes sense. I’m not holding my breath!

I have, I concede, met some people who say they’re women, so they must be. But I’ve also met people who say they’re not women, and I strongly feel that’s wrong and told them so.

Nobody should be able to say what is or isn’t a woman. Because, as Professor Stephen Hawking said, ‘Women are a complete mystery.’ If the man who unravelled black holes doesn’t know, who does?

Woman? Man? We’re all just amorphous blobs to me, indistinguishable in every respect, none of us bearing any traits which might distinguish us from each other. And if you were honest, you’d say the same.

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