How to tick off your bucket list from your front room

YOU can’t leave the house, and it turns out most things are done outside the house. But what can you tick off from your bucket list while alone in the front room?

Visit foreign countries

Have you always wanted to ride through the Rockies? Visit Florence? Cruise the Californian canyons in a convertible? Well, all those destinations are available to you in your own home, on the PlayStation. Take what you can get.

Be a famous writer

You could write a book and publish it on Kindle. Or you could skip straight to the good bit of being a famous writer and drink heavily while making witty observations to gales of laughter. Two bottles of Jack Daniels and an E4 sitcom with an intrusive laugh track and you’re basically Hemingway.

Learn Spanish

Sure, you probably won’t master the language and it’s unlikely you’ll be there anytime soon, but you could learn how to order a vegetarian breakfast in Spanish whilst sitting on the couch and feel like you’ve truly achieved something.

Have a threesome

Gatherings of more than two people are forbidden. So you would definitely have had a threesome had they not been banned. Which counts so cross that off.

Ring that mate from school who you lost touch with to say you’re sorry you lost touch

This will most likely be combined with drinking heavily while pretending to be a famous writer.

Do a skydive or whatever

Extreme sports are about dicing with death. No sport is as extreme as a global pandemic. You’re more extreme than anyone doing lip tricks on an active volcano will ever be. Go you.

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The symptoms of being a selfish bastard, by chief medical officer Professor Chris Whitty

I’M PROFESSOR Chris Whitty, the Chief Medical Office of the UK, and we are discovering that more and more Britons are terminally selfish bastards.

Here’s how to identify whether you are one of those people and how you can treat it before it is too late for you and those around you.

Trolley-filling

If you’re visiting one of our increasingly silent and unnerving supermarkets and find yourself filling a trolley with more fresh produce, pasta and paracetamol than you are realistically able to consume, stop and slap yourself in the face.

Getting together with mates to get hammered

Check your behaviour every six hours. If you find yourself going to a houseparty to get drunk with friends or refusing to stop training for a cancelled marathon, then look in a mirror and tell yourself what a staggeringly selfish twat you are.

Trying to send your kids to school

If there are no key workers in your household and someone is able to care for your children, trying to send them to school anyway means you have an acute case of what doctors call inconsideratus illegitimi. We diagnose looking after your own kids, knobhead.

Taking your caravan to Wales

Driving your caravan to Wales or Scotland to avoid the coronavirus and quite possibly taking the virus with you is the ultimate selfish bastard move. Pull over near a concrete overpass and spend five to ten minutes banging your head into it before turning around and going home.

All of the above

If you attempt to do all of the above, I regret that your case is too far advanced for any preventative action to be effective. There is no vaccine or cure and never will be. You must self-isolate for the rest of your natural life.

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