How to make sure your local park is middle class enough

DID you ignore your local park for decades until you were forced into using it by Covid? Here’s how to maintain standards now the sunshine has brought the riff-raff out.

Start a Facebook group

You never went in the park before the first lockdown as you were too busy driving the kids to orchestra in the Land Rover. Now you have appointed yourself moral guardian of the adventure playground and need a forum to shame the parents who vape there.

Move your yoga class there

You can’t keep the people who have been using the park for years out by force, so do it by making them horribly uncomfortable instead. No one except wants to see 12 middle aged ladies doing a downward dog at 8am every morning.

Have a shit fit about litter

You and hubby can have a civilised picnic with bubbles and Manchego without leaving litter, so why can’t everyone else? Ignore anyone making a point about the amount of people and the lack of bins, and be a snob about disposable barbecues and cans of Carlsberg without actually using the word ‘common’.

Try to ban drinking

People have been enjoying a drink in this park for years but before Covid, you didn’t know or care because you spent your evenings necking Prosecco on your friend Tabitha’s decking. However, now you feel that slightly rowdy groups drinking cans of lager ruins the ambience, so you’ve decided to start a petition to ban it.

Call the police

If all else fails, call the police. It may be a community park, but if the community don’t behave in a way you think is appropriate, then ruthless law enforcement is needed. Those teenagers listening to music may look harmless enough, but they’re disturbing your meditation session so they should get at least two years.

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Six things women will always be better at than men

THERE’S no escaping it – women are just better at some things. Here are six prime examples of activities men cannot even begin to compete at.

Wrapping presents

Women wrap presents of any size and shape with ease, whereas men with their giant paws and slow brains turn even a small rectangular gift into a scruffy bundle of paper and sellotape. Women even add fancy extraneous garnishes like bows and strips of curly, glittery ribbon, the f**king show-offs.

Winning arguments

So obvious it’s hardly worth mentioning. Even if a man gets the upper hand briefly, she’ll throw in a cunning curveball from months ago, like you allegedly ‘flirting’ by talking to her best friend down the pub. You’ll never win, but it’s your own fault for being wrong about everything.

Budgeting

Women have a mathematical mind on a par with Albert Einstein or Archimedes when it comes to your finances, understanding difficult concepts like ‘how much money you have’ and ‘you do not need a giant Lego Death Star’. Best to turn over your income to your partner and let her give you weekly pocket money like the financially irresponsible infant you really are.

Remembering important dates

How the f**king hell do women remember not only key events like anniversaries but also pointless relatives’ birthdays? Men can just about remember what year the kids were born but not something obscure like what day they got married, so there’s only one explanation: witchcraft.

Planning a holiday

She will research whether your hotel has a pool and compare flight prices to secure the best deal months in advance, then pack toiletries, sunscreen and dodgy tummy medicines a week ahead. He will ask if the place has a bar then later marvel at how how things like toothpaste got on a plane and magically followed you there.

Riding a racehorse

Men were best at this for years, but then women decided to have a go at it, and Rachael Blackmore won the 2021 Grand National. This last bastion of male superiority has now crumbled to dust. Which women will have to clear away, because men are crap at dusting.

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