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How to make December utterly exhausting for no reason

NOT got enough on your entirely self-imposed Christmas to-do list? Here’s how to make December as pointlessly exhausting as possible.

Send Christmas cards

They’re a thoughtful and old-fashioned way to give yourself loads of shit to do for no reason. You’ll definitely WhatsApp the recipient before the card arrives, so you might as well just send a Santa emoji instead and be done with it.

Make thoughtful gifts

No, you can’t just buy everyone a Toblerone and watch their genuine joy – give them a homemade paperweight made from a rock sprayed silver instead and watch them try to feign gratitude.

Shop responsibly

Amazon don’t pay enough tax and treat their workers badly, so you must spend December typing in your card details and paying eye-watering amounts for delivery on 50 different websites. It’s both highly responsible and tediously inconvenient.

Make a Christmas cake

The ingredients cost a fortune and you’re sure you missed a crucial step in the recipe, but keep going – it guarantees your superiority over people who buy one, even if theirs isn’t somehow both charred and raw at the same time.

Meet up with people outside

In Tier 2 but determined to make the best of it? Book an outdoor table for your usual festive gathering, so you can stand with gritted teeth in horizontal sleet and come down with a nasty cold just before Christmas.

Insist on a Christmas jumper

Spend several hours queueing in the rain with other Primark shoppers just to get your hands on a polyester reindeer jumper that itches horribly and falls apart after one wash. It’s traditional.

Invite a vegan

Christmas dinner with all the trimmings not complicated enough for you? Guarantee panicky and stressful meal planning by inviting a vegan, preferably one that is also allergic to nuts and can’t tolerate gluten.

A mum's guide to being offended by your family

MUMS have a unique right to be pissed off with their family for any reason. Here is a mother’s guide to having issues with your relatives.

Ask far too much of them

Do you need your whole house wallpapered, or to be picked up from a train station 80 miles away? Favours are what family is for, and the more unreasonable requests you make of relatives, the more they will be able to disappoint you by saying no.

Or ask for nothing 

A simple way to be able to carry years of resentment towards your loved ones is to make no requests of them ever, but still feel sad and put out when nobody spontaneously offers to come over or help you in any way.

Simplify family disagreements by dividing people into sides

Any family conflicts can be dealt with by putting people into teams. You can harbour ill-feeling towards people not on your side, whilst those who are will fall short of your overly high expectations of loyalty, thereby allowing more resentment to blossom.

Do not acknowledge any offence taken for six months

The best time to bring up a problem with something someone did or said is six months after the event. This way they will be completely unprepared and also very confused, allowing you to remain offended for another decade at least.

Assure your relatives you won’t be offended

When looking to be offended by your family, make it clear to them that you won’t be offended by anything they say or do. This way, no one will expect you to be upset and so will not check in with you, which will give you even more grounds to be offended.

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