AVOIDING harm is part of everyday life. Here’s how to ignore your innate caution and get horrible injuries because you’re pissed.
Falling over
Humans react to falling over by throwing their arms out to cushion the impact, thereby reducing the potential for injury. While drunk you’ll hit the floor like a pilot who’s baled out without a parachute. Who needs front teeth anyway?
Kitchen accidents
Cooking whilst hammered is the perfect recipe for pain. You can even injure yourself cooking very hot fish fingers. Volcanic pizza cheese is good for mouth burns, and definitely cook some tinned stuff that will explode in the microwave.
Getting into a car
You climb in and out of cars without incident when sober, but when smashed it’s a golden opportunity to do some serious self-damage. Hit your head on the doorframe or try entering feet-first through an open window, like a Duke of Hazzard. In real life, that will hurt.
Climbing a lamp post
A lamp post presents a drunken man with the opportunity to showboat his climbing strength and agility, or an intoxicated woman with the means to perform her repertoire of pole-dancing tricks. Both are going to result in some form of harm, whether it’s falling on your head or just gyration sickness.
Fighting
That twat at the bar has disparaged you, your girlfriend or possibly your pint. A great way to get injured is to gallantly defend your honour. A violent confrontation with some big bloke or a former Para is inadvisable but the alcohol will take the edge off being thumped.
