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Do you avoid opening your post, or is there something wrong with you?

NORMAL people stuff official-looking envelopes out of sight, but some freaks immediately face the contents of their post. Take our quiz to find out which you are. 

When you come down in the morning and see post on the mat do you: 

A) Pretend you haven’t seen it and hum loudly to block out the paranoid voices in your head saying you’re one envelope away from crippling debt, terminal illness or some other form of doom.

B) Calmly pick up your correspondence before opening them all to feel fully informed. Knowledge is power!

Are you someone who keeps tabs on their outgoings and debts?

A) You’d prefer not to answer this question because a mild sweat is already breaking out. 

B) Yes, because sound financial planning is the key to a calm, content and prosperous life. 

When an envelope with a plastic window that is definitely not a fiver from your gran arrives, do you: 

A) Recoil in horror and chuck it in the recycling. You can’t get in trouble if no one can prove you ever received the post, right? 

B) Read it in detail before getting out your holepunch and filing it for future reference.

Are you on top of things?

A) Does buying more Weetabix before the box runs out count? If so, some of the time. 

B) Yes, your personal finances are planned and monitored like a military operation. Life is to be lived, but primarily it is to be organised. 

Do you like surprises? 

A) Obviously not. Surprises are scary and never good. Especially when the letter informing you says ‘DO NOT IGNORE’.

B) Of course – life is an adventure and who knows what wonderful things might await you in today’s post? There could be a deal on your car insurance – or a free biro!

Mostly As: You are normal and leading a life of fear, denial and futilely delaying bad news until a more appropriate time, ie. never.

Mostly Bs: There is something very wrong with you. You either do not fear bad news or, even weirder, you feel capable of dealing with it. If this desire to discover the troubling truth is not a result of head trauma, you are probably a robot.

The seven levels of panic when your girlfriend says 'I'm fine'

FEW statements uttered by a girlfriend put you on edge like the festering ambiguity of ‘I’m fine’. Here are the seven levels of panic you’ll experience when you hear these words.

Level one: vague uncertainty

Your girlfriend has just informed you that she’s fine, but the tone of her voice seemed imperceptibly different to other times. It’s probably nothing. She said she was fine, didn’t she? Didn’t she? The seeds of paranoia are sown.

Level two: mild uncomfortableness

Although she said she was fine, you feel a little strange. But she must be okay because she’s said nothing since. If there was a problem you’d know, wouldn’t you? Or are you an emotionless robot who misses obvious human feelings? Fret about this for a while.

Level three: nagging trepidation

Something’s wrong. You asked again and your girlfriend said she was fine again. But in an ever-so-slightly higher pitch. You’re no Sherlock Holmes but this feels like the time when you cracked an inappropriate joke to her parents and they said it was fine. Bestiality jokes are all wrong during Christmas dinner, with hindsight. Oh shit!

Level four: palpable distress

You’ve definitely done something wrong. But what? You’ve stopped drinking milk from the carton, you clean the toilet seat when you remember, and you now close your dressing gown properly when outside. What could possibly be wrong? Think! Think!

Level five: arse-clenching anxiety 

Maybe it’s something you haven’t done? You haven’t forgotten her birthday because she reminded you every day for a month before, and that was… well, it’s certainly not been a year. Could it be one of those fabricated ‘two years since our first kiss’ anniversaries? Are you supposed to be taking her out? Who the f**k knows? Just ask if she’s fine. No, don’t. But do.

Level six: petrified nervous turmoil

She told you she’s fine again, but with no eye contact and an even more subtle rising inflection. You’re utterly f**ked. Does she want kids? Is that it? Tell her you can have seven kids, starting this afternoon. No, get a grip.

Level seven: all-consuming paranoia 

Your heart’s pounding like a jackhammer and you’re projectile sweating. As you collapse into a full-blown emotional meltdown you ask your girlfriend one more time. Mercifully she responds with: ‘I will be fine when you stop f**king asking.’ So, like a dick you ask again, just to be sure.

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