FASHION doesn’t exist indoors. Instead comfort reigns, which means you answer the door to the postman wearing these outfits:
Fleece onesie
Like a toddler at Christmas, you laze around the house in an all-in-one fleecy babygro which you have to unzip completely whenever you need a pee. Choose an animal-themed one with ears on the hood and you won’t even open the curtains in case you’re spotted and branded a furry forever.
Crocs
First, they’re not comfortable because they’re plastic f**king clogs. Second, if you’re spending your weekends waddling around in primrose yellow crocs, you’ll be harshly judged by anyone in your house, never mind outside it. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can’t have bottomless contempt for you.
Jogging bottoms
Which have never ever been used for their intended purpose: sport. No, these bad boys were specifically purchased for ‘lounging around’ and you’ve spent so many quality hours on the sofa in them over the years, you’ve grown fond of them like a beloved teddy bear. Despite the massive hole in the crotch.
A blanket
Who needs all that arm hole/leg hole faff when you can simply drape your sagging form in a thick layer of shapeless material? Flattering, easy and perfect for blotting out reality. Just be careful you don’t get too close to the hob while you’re heating up your baked beans.
Your birthday suit
It begins as a quick nip down the hall from bedroom to shower but, because you don’t care so what’s the point, you’ve started traumatising your housemate with the casual sight of you stark bollock naked. Why does it matter if you go close to the windows? The world doesn’t have a burning desire to see you in the nude. You’ve been rejected often enough to know that.
