SENSIBLE centrist fathers are being rushed to A&E with cases of 11-hour election-induced priapism, it has emerged.
Middle-aged men with mortgages have seen the Conservatives destroyed, Penny Mordaunt cast down into the gutter and the Lib Dems resurgent and found themselves thoroughly and lastingly aroused.
Doctor Helen Archer said: “We know exactly which ones they are as soon as they come in. You can see it through their lycra cycling gear.
“For most it began with the exit poll, when they looked down to find themselves hugely tumescent seemingly without stimulus. As their diamond-hard dicks refused to diminish they were banished from the bed by their wives.
“The all-night election coverage only made it throb even more, especially when Carol Vorderman was on Channel 4 and by 5am, when Labour were confirmed as winners, they recognised this wasn’t going to go away without medical intervention.”
Father and Kia Sportage driver Martin Bishop said: “What if it doesn’t go down for a generation? I’m light-headed over here. I can’t spend the whole five years in the shed.”
