GREETINGS card manufacturers think men are simple creatures akin to amoebas. Here are the six very basic categories they fall into:
Beer
Big lovely pint. Pints all day. Pint pint pint. Are they implying you’re an alcoholic? It’s not clear, but the illustration of a man with a large gut belching does not suggest flattering things. Not that you care, though, because you’re a man and all you think about is beer.
Football
What goes hand-in-hand with beer? Football, of course. The people who make birthday cards never consider that a man might have another hobby, such as Japanese cuisine or oil painting. No, you are a man, and therefore your personality is entirely based around football.
Genitals
Your male friends don’t want to give you a nice card, because that’s a bit gay, so instead they express their affection for you with one that says ‘With age comes great wisdom… and a saggy ballsack’, accompanied by a picture of some testicles. Which is even gayer, if you think about it.
Misogyny
All men love a bit of light misogyny on their birthday, right? The male sense of humour just loves a card featuring an ugly caricature of a woman and an unoriginal ‘joke’ about tits and bums. Hopefully the person who purchases this card is doing so ironically. Unless it’s your mate Darren, he genuinely thinks it’s hilarious.
Garden shed
Uh oh. Receiving a card with a shed on it means you’ve made the transition from full-time lad to middle-age, and society thinks all you’re interested in is listening to the cricket surrounded by plant pots and spiders. Receiving this card is likely to spark a midlife crisis, meaning that next year you will receive one with a red sports car on it.
Sailboat
Getting this one is unfortunately confirmation that you have gone far beyond ‘garden shed’ in years. In fact, you’re practically on your deathbed. They may as well add a drawing of your ashes being scattered at sea to the tranquil image on the front of the card.
