A tiny biker jacket, and four other things to stop buying your baby you idiot

BABIES are adorable and rewarding, and if you dress them up like miniature bikers what’s wrong with you? Along with these acts of idiocy:

A leather jacket

We can all indulge in a leather jacket. Sure, it’s not original, but it’s a robust classic that will last years. You know what doesn’t last years? A baby staying the size of a baby-sized leather jacket. You’ll get four wears out of it, and it cost you £35.

Fun-size Nikes

Once, trainers were for athletics. Since then they’ve evolved to become status symbols. But for babies they fulfil neither function and remain glaringly pointless. Your five-month-old cannot even roll himself over, let alone distinguish Air Jordans from Yeezys, and everyone knows and judges you.

An iPad

Perfect for telling the world, ‘Not only can I waste my money abundantly, I also want to annoy everyone within 20 feet’. Yes, there are special apps for pre-schoolers, and yes they claim to be educational. Your child will very soon show you how interested they are in that shit by letting the iPad clatter to the floor.

A massive rocking horse

Makes the nursery look lovely. Is completely inaccessible to the child for many years to come, and even when they’re old enough to use it they’ll be disappointed to discover all it does is rock. But the looming presence of it over their cot will give them recurring nightmares and haunt them into adulthood.

A large birthday party

The perfect gathering at which to present all of this shit, as well as to pressure all of us into buying even more shit for a person whose skull is not even yet fully formed. Save your money and, more importantly, save us all the hassle of pretending not to see what you’ve become.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

How to approach a working class voter, by Keir Starmer

I DESPERATELY need to appeal to working class voters, but they can easily become aggressive. Here’s how I win the trust of these unpredictable creatures:

Watch for aggressive males

Like bears, voters can suddenly turn violent. Always take a large security guard and leave the area quickly before they hit you with bad publicity. Although that pub landlord may not have been working class, just an anti-lockdown wanker who runs a twee pub in Bath.

Don’t do anything to provoke them

And I mean ‘anything’. Don’t argue with right-wing working class voters about Brexit, Covid, the British army, dole scroungers or immigration, even if they’re spouting specious bullshit. Agreeing with their arsehole opinions will pay off handsomely in the polls, one of these days.

Leave out ‘treats’ for working class voters

I put out delicious centrist ‘treats’, such as how patriotic I am and how much I love football. This will probably do me no good whatsoever. It’s a cruel irony because I am genuinely into football. My opinion on the European Super League is: what is your opinion? Then that.

Remember they are never truly tame

It’s easy to drop your guard when you’re chatting about the NHS to a pensioner on a mobility scooter in a Northern town. Don’t. At any second they could switch topics and start saying horrific things about Muslims, like a bigoted Davros. Be on your guard and ready to leap away.

Wear camouflage

Wrapping yourself in a metaphorical Union Jack will allow you to blend in with the most patriotic voters. There’s no way hardcore patriots will just vote for as much patriotism as possible, such as an insincere plan by Boris Johnson to build 50 aircraft carriers all called the Duke of Edinburgh and introduce a Spitfire Bank Holiday.

Be persistent

Like an ornithologist waiting for a goshawk, you need patience to win over working class voters. I’m sure the right-wing press will see how reasonable I am and won’t claim I was Jimmy Savile’s lawyer.

Next story ›