ARE your kids dicking about at bedtime for the 11,000th day in a row? This will be why:
They’ve just started a snack
Three minutes before bedtime they started eating an enormous apple. It’s healthy and they mustn’t waste it, so they’ve ingeniously got you in a complex moral stranglehold.
Their book bag is missing
As well as their PE kit and their homework folder. Cue 40 minutes of searching before they suddenly remember they left the whole lot at school.
They need to watch the end of this show
You reluctantly agree, before realising ‘this show’ is actually a two-hour Pixar film which they are only seven minutes into.
They need to ask you a question
Okay, you agree, expecting something simple like ‘How far away is London?’. Instead they ask you to explain Pythagoras’ Theorem, and then innocently ask if school existed in the olden days when you’re unable to answer.
They’ve decided to tidy their rooms
Despite having shown zero interest in this ever before.
They want to wait up to see daddy
Despite having shown zero interest in him ever before.
They’ve locked themselves in the bathroom and are ignoring you
Your feeble pleas of ‘Have you washed your face?’ are met with a stony silence. However, rustle a sweet wrapper and they will emerge within seconds.
They have a very long story that they absolutely must tell you
It takes you ten minutes to realise that they are making it up as they go along.
They’ve lost their favourite bit of Blu Tack
The Blu Tack is their most precious possession. It must be located immediately or they will have the mother of all meltdowns.
They’re brushing their teeth
They know you can’t reproach them for this so they have mastered the art of doing whatever they want, such as playing Roblox, with a toothbrush hanging from one side of their mouth.
They’re in the middle of playing a game with their sibling
It’s weird how Monopoly is too long and boring to play when you suggest it, but great to embark on at 7.30pm on a school night.
There’s a spider in their room
They don’t give a toss about spiders until bedtime, when they suddenly develop a severe case of arachnophobia and won’t go to sleep until you have found and removed the tiny money spider they definitely saw.
They need a special outfit for school
At 10pm they emerge and announce they need a special outfit for the next day. It’s what? Viking day? Tomorrow? Tell them you’ll make something and then wrap them in a sheet and felt-tip a beard on their face, like always.
They want to tell you they love you
You hear them coming downstairs while you’re watching telly and prepare to give them hell, but they smile sweetly and say they wanted to tell you they love you. You melt instantly, even though you know they’re a devious little shit who just wants to stay up for another 20 minutes.
