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12 household items that now cost so much they can just f**k off

IS the cost of living crisis making the weekly shop scarily expensive? These items can f**k off.

First class stamps

95p for a first class stamp? Who do the Post Office think you are, Elon Musk? For that you could drive round to the recipient’s house yourself. If you could afford petrol these days.

Lurpak

Paying £5 for what appears to be a simple tub of butter, imbued with precisely no magical properties, is mental. It’s probably cheaper to keep a cow in the garden and churn your own.

Pet food

Thanks to your pet’s irritatingly discerning palate they eat nothing but Sheba Fine Flakes, and can detect supermarket own-brand from across the room. Either the cat goes or your summer holiday goes – you decide.

Dishwasher tablets

What’s in them, ground diamonds? Shavings of the Philosopher’s Stone? Or unspecified stuff that doesn’t properly clean your dishes for the princely sum of £16 a bag?

Coffee

£4.50 for your usual fine blend means you are contemplating drinking mud mixed with water instead. Luckily your taste buds have never really recovered after getting Covid.

Fabric softener

Fabric is already soft. It’s not going to morph into scratchy cardboard if you stop buying softener, but you will have £3.49 to go towards products that actually do something.

Tights

£8 for two measly pairs of 10-denier tights? So thin they’re almost transparent, which means by weight they are more expensive than gold.

Tenderstem broccoli

OK, so it was handpicked by virgins under a full moon and – hold on, it wasn’t? In that case, definitely not worth £2.49.

Artisan marshmallows in groovy packaging

Lovingly handcrafted in small batches by Devon small business owners Noah and Jessie, and destined to be put back on the shelf in favour of an 89p bag of old school pink and white ones.

Fancy biscuits

You’re not sure that your neighbour deserves the fancy biscuits after claiming she never received your Amazon parcel. Give her the plain digestives and avert your gaze in future instead of inviting her in.

Batteries

Do you really need a remote control? Can’t you just get up and change channels manually? Unfortunately, televisions are now completely smooth and button-free, so you’ll have to shell out £9.99 for eight batteries. You have now chosen Netflix over eating.

Something discounted

Finally – something normally priced! Approach the discounted food area with great anticipation only to find a single organic chicken that is discounted from £14.99 to £14.59. Which is just cruel.

Woman wishes she'd chosen post-nightclub kebab instead of one-night stand

A WOMAN was left disappointed when she opted to take a man home for a shag instead of ending her night with a doner kebab.

After waking up with a splitting headache, Lucy Parry wished she had found a half-eaten, meat-stuffed pitta in her bed, rather than an unattractive stranger.

Parry said: “I find clubbing atrocious now I’m in my 30s. The most enjoyable part of an evening out is having a chat with the guy behind the counter at Gangsta Wrap while eating some delicious shavings of worryingly low-quality lamb smothered in chilli sauce.

“A kebab is a much more fulfilling and wholesome experience than hooking up with a guy wearing too much aftershave for ten minutes of drunken pumping and an awkward conversation in the morning.

“Gazing hungrily at the tall, bronzed cylinder of meat as it seductively revolves is honestly more exciting to me than any Magic Mike-style hunk could ever be. And you never get those down Crackers in Cinderford anyway.

“Sadly I feel I can’t have a kebab for breakfast instead. I may have just spent the night with an ugly bloke I picked up in a nasty club, but I still have some standards.”

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