International

AMERICA'S 'hero cat' has admitted she would kill humans if they were small enough to fit in her mouth.

VLADIMIR Putin has compared Prince Charles to Anthea Turner because he is a ‘fragrant, middle-aged woman with no power’.

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has insisted the massive military parade through Red Square today was ‘rather jolly’.

THE Ukraine and Russia are to give each other maximum points in the Eurovision song contest despite basically being at war.

ALEX Salmond has finally admitted he hates Scotland and wants the country to be independent so he can abolish it.

CORNWALL will today celebrate its new minority status with an unstoppable deluge of fresh cream.

THE Duchess of Cambridge has been taken to Australian hearts after a series of increasingly racist comments about New Zealand.

AMERICA has become a communist country following the appearance of a red moon.

WORLD leaders are considering a nuclear missile attack on Calfornia's Coachella festival.

SWEDISH ministers have announced a six-hour working day as part of plans to make their country more stereotypical.