International

THE Scottish National Party is to develop its own flag and a special salute for party members.

A PETITION to stop Glasgow being razed to the ground has reached 30 signatures and is hoping to hit 50 by the weekend.

THE Turin Shroud has been updated to reflect that Jesus would have worn mid-priced sportswear if he were alive today.

US PRESIDENTIAL candidate Hilary Clinton is to use nineties Alanis Morrisette song You Oughta Know as her campaign anthem.

FINDING some room for migrants is preferable to letting them drown, EU taxpayers have stressed.

THE Welsh tourist agency has been promoting the country with images of tropical beaches and the Taj Mahal.

A SHORTAGE of places in Hell means that the damned will be made to party in Magaluf for all eternity.

GERMANY and Greece have been told to stop flirting and get on with the war they both desperately desire.

ENGLAND is pouring a pint of Guinness in celebration of all the ways it has helped Ireland over the years.

VLADIMIR Putin sightings have surged in the last 48 hours.