International

THE Pope has officially proclaimed that God did not intend anyone to eat savoury pancakes.

DAVID Cameron has negotiated a deal allowing Britain to keep any leftover sandwiches from EU meetings, he has announced.

DONALD Trump has lost in the Iowa primary to Ted Cruz, a man who does not just say vile things about immigrants but sincerely believes them.

THE SAS has mounted a daring helicopter raid to rescue a British couple stranded in a horrifically modern French town.

CARTOON racing driver Dick Dastardly has overtaken Donald Trump in polls for the Republican presidential nomination.

DONALD Trump has praised the stunning beauty of a snowy, all-white New York.

BRITISH holidaymaker Stephen Malley is convinced that he is being charged a special ‘tourist price' by foreign shops.

MIGRANTS to Europe have ruined what was a perfectly-functioning near paradise, they have been told.

FOLLOWING the appointment of Sarah Palin as War, Donald Trump is still looking for an additional two horsemen before he is ready to ride.

A POPULAR ski resort is attracting working class twats rather than posh twats, it has emerged.