International

EUROPEAN authorities may ban the importation of fire in unsecured lorries after the Channel tunnel incident.

POPE Francis broke the bottom of a Grolsch bottle open on a bar when asked how Catholics should respond to insults to their faith.

A PAIR of morons scaled a sheer rock face for reasons that make no sense whatsoever.

ARE you locked in a holy war against the West because you never get any of the jokes on Mock the Week? End that misery with our handy guide to understanding satire.

THE prime minister has promised that cannabis will still be illegal in Britain decades after everyone else has given in.

THE commission on new powers for Scotland has unveiled a camel with nine legs, seven humps and 13 buttocks.

A GROUP of people kept in isolation for the last six months has guessed exactly why there are riots in the US town of Ferguson.

THE Russian hackers who broke into 500 UK webcams are transfixed by the sheer lack of event in British lives.

SCOTLAND has had quite enough of inconvenient reality, it has been confirmed.

VLADIMIR Putin giggled flirtatiously and batted his eyelashes when compared to Hitler, according to onlookers.