International

SAUDI women have been banned from using supermarket self check-outs amid fears the female voiced systems could lead to homosexuality and the extinction of virgins.

PRESIDENT Obama was condemned last night for not describing his Republican opponents as total dicks.

THE captain of the Costa Concordia abandoned his post to buzz around the deck on a Vespa sexually harassing female passengers, it has emerged.

DAVID Cameron has offered to show Argentina how to swagger around in someone else's country properly.

SCOTLAND was last night fleeing in terror after a surprise attack from the first battalion of Her Majesty's Daily Telegraph.

AMERICANS can urinate on our dead bodies as much as they feel like, the Taliban said last night.

INDEPENDENCE could leave Scotland exactly the same in every way, experts warned last night.

FRANCE has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be ruled by a bastard of unparalleled magnificence.

In this comfortingly plausible account, THE DAILY MASH imagines the day the Mail invaded the Falklands.

APOCALYPSE facilitator Kim Jong Un will start his new job as soon as IT has helped him login to his work computer.