International

A MALTESE town is to cover its famous phallic statue in a school uniform to avoid offending the Pope.

AN American teenager has announced plans to scale Mount Everest so he can finally masturbate in peace.

THE Vatican really did have no knowledge of the Nazi's systematic extermination of Jews during World War II, it was claimed last night.

FORMER US president George W Bush has urged Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz to help secure the support of 'onionists' for the devolution of policing powers in Northern Ireland. 

SOUTH African president Jacob Zuma arrived in London last night on the first leg of his bid to buy Cheryl Cole.

TONY Blair has backed Colonel Gaddafi's call for the annihilation of everyone in Switzerland.

A BRITISH businessman has been named as the prime suspect in the death of a billionaire intent on taking over the world.

HILLARY Clinton opened a new chapter in the West's diplomatic relations with Iran yesterday by describing the country as 600,000 square miles of sand-infested whackjobs.

NATO's latest Afghan strategy aims to wean the Taliban off Islamic fundamentalism and onto obsessing about their living rooms.

THE arrest of a US soldier accused of sticking his daughter's head in a sink has sparked a national debate over when it is acceptable to water-board a child.