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You'll never know how much we hate whales, says Japan

JAPAN has told the world that it will never understand how fiercely it detests whales or how joyous it feels to be slaughtering them again. 

The country resumed commercial whaling yesterday, with thousands dancing on docksides in sheer delight at the sight of their hated enemies being brought home dead.

Prime minister Shinzō Abe said: “Take that, you blubbery b*stards. And we won’t rest until we’ve killed every last one of you.

“It’s difficult to explain to you Western whale-hugging weirdos, but you know your book Moby Dick, about a man obsessively hunting one particular white whale? That’s us but with every single whale in the entire world.

“They’re fat, they sing those bloody awful mournful songs, they’re always eating lovely, friendly krill, and they keep coming to the surface blowing out water to taunt us.

“You’ve no idea how hard it’s been these last 30 years, letting them live. We’ve hardly slept at night. We’ve had to become a technological powerhouse just to distract ourselves.”

Abe added: “They’re actually as intelligent as humans. So they know full well what they did and why they have to pay.”

Should you get a pension or just hold out for the collapse of civilisation?

IS IT worth putting money aside for retirement, or will you spend your twillight years heading for higher ground to escape the floods and hoping to catch an edible leech? Find out: 

Have you got any kids?

Parents need pensions so that feeding you isn’t on your kids’ to-do list alongside avoiding global pandemics and job-stealing robots. They’ll thank you for it while also cursing you for bringing them into this hellish world in the first place.

Do you abuse your body on a regular basis?

Spent the last four decades shitfaced, smoking, and snorting questionable substances? Sod the pension and continue getting wrecked. You won’t last long enough to worry about it.

Do you burn tyres in your back garden for fun?

If you think climate change is crap made up by hippies who want you to stop enjoying a nice big rubbery pyre of an evening, don’t bother with a pension. The climate wars will finish you off first.

Do you vote for lunatics?

If you habitually vote for weasel-eyed bigots who only care about money, you’ve probably got a nice fat pension already. However, they’ve recently decided their patriotic duty is to shaft the economy to prove they’re hard, so you won’t get to keep it.

Can you even afford one?

You’ll probably be spaffing money up the wall paying rent and Netflix subscriptions until you’re a dribbling 97-year old, so it’s a moot point anyway.

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