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UN unveils capitalism opt-out region

THE UN has given people who do not like capitalism the option to try something else instead.

Anyone making the decision not to bother with earning money will be given basic food and shelter but will not be allowed to wear branded jeans or watch telly with adverts in.

An area the size of Wales, sited in the area formerly known as Wales, has been cleared and will become home for the millions expected to opt out of the work-consume-die cycle.

Network engineer Tom Booker said: “It was after the hugely expensive holiday that didn’t begin to heal the stress of working for it all year that I decided to leave the system.

“You have to hand in your iPhone and you get these grey robes and some food and drink with generic stickers.

“We all have to help make dinner and tidy up, but apart from that we just hang out and talk about how we hated having jobs.”

Up to 79 per cent of the global workforce is expected to opt out, though the UN faces a legal challenge from leading capitalists who are belatedly realising that perhaps they should not have been so obnoxious.

New England letdown hero discovered

ENGLAND fans are celebrating a new hero who they can place all their hopes in before being painfully disappointed.

18-year-old Adnan Januzaj, who scored an incredible two goals against bottom-of-the-table Sunderland on Saturday, has been instantly anointed as the star who won’t take England all the way in Brazil next year.

England fan Stephen Malley, who has a misspelling of the player’s name tattooed across his back in gothic script, said: “We’ve found the man who can hype us into a nationalistic frenzy before breaking his metatarsal in a warm-up.

“Like Beckham and Theo Walcott before him, this kid’s got what it takes to go from hero to national hate figure in one penalty miss.”

England manager Roy Hodgson is cautiously interested in Januzaj, but plans to pick a squad with proven experience of completely bottling it on a world stage for Brazil.

He said: “With players like Wayne Rooney, whose record of dragging a team down is second to none, or with Steven Gerrard’s reputation for coming into a struggling game and handing it to our opponents, there’s no need to rush Adnan.

“Besides, he could yet choose to underachieve with the Belgian national side, to frustrate with Croatia, or to crash and burn with the acknowledged masters, Scotland.

“Either way, Januzaj needs a lot more experience of losing games before he’s ready. I can’t risk a player who could carelessly win games and spoil the cherished dream of failure in every Englishman’s heart.”

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