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'Trump would have been convicted if you'd pulled your f**king fingers out'

A REPORT has revealed that Donald Trump would have been convicted if the American justice system had stopped pulling its pud and done something. 

Special Counsel Jack Smith found the evidence against Trump ‘was sufficient to obtain and sustain a conviction’ for election interference, if only it had not been delivered four years f**king late.

US citizen Norm Steele Jr said: “Great work, justice department. But not timely work.

“Well done for taking exactly the period of time to deliver this that it was unhelpful to take. You’re like a doctor sending a ‘you only have six months to live’ letter after six months.

“What, was there no rush? A former president attempts to overturn an election and you’re like ‘no biggie, let me finish making this rubber-band ball and I’ll get to it in the AM. Oh, it’s Friday tomorrow, no point starting then, I’ll come at it fresh on Monday.’

“Ideally we’d have had this around 2022, between elections, then we could have done the whole trial and conviction in good time for the presidential election. But because it wasn’t we had no idea if he was guilty and I still feel perfectly justified in voting for him.”

A spokesman for the Democrat Party said: “The release of this report is immaterial. Even if he was convicted and imprisoned, we believe we would have found a way to lose.”

Woman guessing her way through tax return definitely going to prison

A LENGTHY prison sentence is expected for a self-employed woman who had the audacity to believe she could complete her tax return without breaking the law. 

Nikki Hollis earns occasional extra cash as a freelance web designer and felt it was unnecessary to hire an accountant given how simple her self-assessment return should be. Three hours and a bottle of wine later, she is a criminal.

She said: “I left it until January because I figured it would only take an hour or two. Then I opened it, read about ‘Basis Period Reform’, and knew I was in too deep.

“Every page reads like a threat. They want to know about my marital status, presumably so they can make my boyfriend take the stand at my trial and have him innocently betray me until I’m dramatically sent down.

“I’m trying to be honest but this is government-level entrapment. It’s like Mr Bates vs the Post Office. If I even try to claim that I’ve ever worked from my kitchen I’m doing a ten-stretch in maximum security with the nonces.

“Half my answers are a guess, and that’s illegal. I’ve made up the bit about charity donations. I’ve hazarded a weak hypothesis about my accounting year. I’m going to the slammer, and all for £826.83.”

A spokesperson for the His Majesty’s Revenue and Customs said: “Life sentence, we reckon.”

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