MAKING someone redundant isn’t easy for any manager. But if you’ve no other option with a colleague called, to choose a name at random, Rachel, here’s how to make it as painless as possible:
Sack Rachel by email
Criticised as callous, but avoids a meeting and a letter so is undeniably efficient. And since Rachel was full of cliched managerial bollocks about ‘efficiency’ while cutting public services immediately after everyone voted for the opposite, she can hardly complain.
Have a colleague present
If sacking in person, the presence of a colleague gives you a witness if what was said is disputed. Or she turns violent. I’ve enlisted Wes, who is an ambitious little shit who loves seeing his colleagues fail so very much the spirit of my Labour party.
Prepare a shit sandwich
Inserting bad news between two positive things is a good way to soften the blow, eg: ‘Rachel, you’re always on time for meetings. You’re fired. Your personal hygiene has thankfully never been an issue.’ Warm, sympathetic and caring.
Audit her CV
Lying on your CV is grounds for instant dismissal. If the Rachel you’re dealing with is anything like the entirely fictional Rachel I’m imagining, there’s strong evidence she exaggerated her seniority in previous financial jobs. Open and shut. Generously offer not to mention it on her reference.
Search for other sackable offences
Sexual misconduct is right out, with that haircut. And Rachel, who I stress is a notional figure, is never openly racist. It’s the one thing separating her from the Tories. However, even the boring ones can never resist pathetic crimes like stealing toilet rolls. Kindly tell her you don’t want to get the police involved.
Buy a personalised leaving gift
You may feel guilty about sacking Rachel, if you still suffer from troublesome emotions. A personalised gift shows she is valued, so get her a Toblerone with ‘Rachel’ on it. They cost £10.95, but that’s nothing when it can be claimed on expenses.
Get home CCTV
Regrettably, it’s not unheard of for disgruntled ex-employees to attend the homes of former colleagues to exact revenge. She may look like a mortgage advisor, but they’re exactly the ones you see in the Mail chucking paint over someone’s car. Advise your Rachel it will all be filmed and shown on the news. Also that Special Branch will shoot her.
