Trump to deport everyone who is not Native American

PRESIDENT-ELECT Donald Trump has confirmed plans to deport 318 million non-Native American immigrants.

As part of a wider plan to restore America’s old values of shamanism, living in cone-shaped tents and going on vision quests, Trump will remove anyone who is less than 50 per cent Native American, including his family and himself.

He said: “We have forgotten the tribal values that made this nation great. We have lost our connection with nature and no longer even fear the Wendigo, the mighty shape-shifter who comes with the winds.

“By 2017 there will be buffalo back on all the plains, Kevin Costner is going to help me and I will scalp anyone who stands in my way.”

Trump voter, Martin Bishop said: “This is exactly what we wanted from Trump.

“Kick all the foreigners out, including me, my wife, kids and everyone I know. It’s Brexit plus plus plus.”

He added: “The antelope is my spirit animal.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Everyone to blame for twats like Trump and Farage 'except the people who vote for them'

PEOPLE who disagree with Donald Trump and Nigel Farage are responsible for their success rather than the gullible idiots who vote for them, the media have decided.

Commentators believe Trump’s victory and the resurgent Reform party could have been avoided if everyone stopped having reasonable views and agreed with mad, incoherent grievances.

Guardian columnist Donna Sheridan said: “If tolerant people had listened to mental Trump supporters they wouldn’t have voted for him due to some magical process I can’t explain.

“It’s the same with Reform. We should have been saying, ‘There there, it’s not your fault you have to be racist because you haven’t got an amazing job and the Polish shop makes you angry’.

“Liberals like me may as well have marched Trump and Brexit supporters to the polling station and made them vote with a gun at the their head, but obviously we’d never do that because we’re too nice.”

Political pundit Tom Booker said: “We need to listen to ordinary people, even if it’s hard to work out what their point is except that all politicians are basically criminals and we won the war.”

Next story ›