Trump to chew long piece of grass while holding shotgun across his shoulders

DONALD Trump is to conduct the rest of ‘presidency’ while balancing a shotgun across the back of his neck and chewing on a piece of grass.

Unveiling his ‘Redneck Agenda’, Trump appeared on the White House balcony, accompanied by a burly, toothless man named ‘Lyle’ and his daughter Ivanka, who he revealed was also his new wife.

Trump and ‘Lyle’ then fired their shotguns at a crowd of fleeing journalists.

Meanwhile, Trump has purchased an old hunting dog named ‘Kaiser’ who will become the new Vice President at a banjo-accompanied swearing-in ceremony later today.

The White House confirmed Trump will spend most of his time wandering around Washington DC asking tourists ‘if they are from around here’ and questioning anyone ‘who looks a bit A-rab’ .

A spokesman added: “He may also tell you that you have a ‘pretty mouth’. So watch out for that.”

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Paul Dacre swinging Quasimodo-like from Big Ben

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has scaled the Elizabeth Tower and is currently dangling from Big Ben, in protest at its silencing due to renovation work.

With his face painted red white and blue and his trousers tied around his head, Mr Dacre has vowed not to come down until the Queen herself promises that the bell will carry on ringing every 15 minutes.

Ears oozing blood from his proximity to the bell and shouting through a megaphone, Dacre said: “Protecting the eardrums of maintenance workers is exactly how the Third Reich started.

“First you had Himmler and Goebbels going about with clipboards at factories, saying, ooh, you shouldn’t leave that bar of soap near that giant vat of white hot liquid iron, someone might slip on it and fall in. The next thing, they invaded Poland.”

Roy Hobbs, the caretaker of the Elizabeth Tower added: “He’ll come down eventually, I suppose. Or fall hundreds of feet to his death. I don’t care either way.”

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