NOTHING brings out the world’s pushy knobheads like a lying-in-state, so expect to see these monsters make a mockery of open casket mourning at the Basilica:
Prince William
It would be absurd to expect the first in line to the throne to line up with the rest of the mourning shitmunchers. He has to be in and out in a tight fifteen before jetting back to support Kate in her latest photo opportunity. Which is a shame, because he’s excited to finally experience a lying-in-state as an outsider for once.
Katy Perry
If her astronautics are anything to go by, expect Katy Perry and a girlboss squad to shove past the pious for selfies holding daisies in front of the Pope’s corpse. While cringeworthy, this will later be argued to be a brave f**k you to the patriarchal institutions of Catholicism.
President Trump
Jumping the queue is the least-awful outcome. There’s a real risk Trump will criticise the Vatican’s ornate decor for not being gaudy enough, call all Catholics losers then try to aggressively shake the Pope’s hand. None of which would even spark much outrage because this behaviour tracks with current expectations.
Holly Willoughby
Losing the Pope wouldn’t be complete without seasoned queue jumper Holly defending her title. Sadly, though Philip Schofield feels a real affinity with the priesthood, he’ll sit this one out and leave her to skip the line solo. And when she’s exposed she will ask ‘Firstly, are you okay?’
Andrew Tate
The Top G doesn’t queue with beta Catholic cucks. He’ll roar past them in a Bugatti Chiron Pur Sport that’ll make all the nuns in attendance wet, give Christ’s vicar on Earth a brief salute then do a full set of lifts and reps right up there on the Papal Altar. Millions of impressionable young men will yearn to follow his example.
Bonnie Blue
OnlyFans star Bonnie Blue is used to being at the end of a long line of sclerotic men, so she’ll gleefully stroll past the crowds out of habit. Which will only result in the queue getting exponentially longer as men fly in from all around the world to pay their respects. Because she gives, and gives, and is so very humble.
